| Current mood: |  depressed |
depressed
i'm so freaking depressed. i don't know why. i mean, i do. life. my father. my situation. my wanting to leave. but why can't i just smile and not think about it? i guess i could. but maybe it's that i don't want to? i don't even know. my mom's at work now, my dad left about an hour ago to get lunch for my brother and i, he hasn't come back yet. he always does that. he's so slow. rip your hair out slow. and i think he even does it on purpose. my brother just said "god! it doesn't take somebody that long." grr...i'm hungry! i'm getting a salad. no, i'm not one of those girls who proudly announces that all she "ate all day was a salad." like anyone actually cares? lol no, i just want a salad. it's that california cobb w/ chicken salad at mcdonald's. it's actually quite filling and yummy. and i feel fat. so there's another reason i'm getting it. i don't feel fat, i think i look fat. well, not fat, but chubby. i look chubby, a little. well,not chubby. okay just stop! not fat or chubby! i just want to lose a couple pounds because i gained a few over the summer. i am getting so mad at myself right now for even saying that. ew. because i'm not fat, and i'm not overweight. so i would want to shoot me if i heard myself say that. but i'm also not skinny, or underweight. i think i'm about average. i'm a dancer, but i'm not that lean dancer that you think of when you think of a dancer. i'm.......a normal girl i guess. i am lean, i guess, but not skinny. most dancers are skinny. well at least the ones in my class. anyway, i'm gonna stop rambling about useless stuff because i have no idea where i am going with that.
back to my being depressed. nobody even knows me. i mean i don't let anyone know what i am feeling. i'm afraid that if i do, they'll get scared and go away. so i'm my own best friend. and that's hard. i've had best friends. i was best friends with this one girl since 2nd grade. we kind of drifted apart, and i'm not sad about it. because she became, or maybe she always was, this girl i don't like. she's a very different person from 2nd grade. and wow that's horrible to say, because everyone is different from 2nd grade for god sakes. i mean it like.....we aren't supposed to be friends anymore. 2nd grade- we were meant to be bestest friends. now- not. i've been friends with another girl since 7th grade. she's the girl who i cried on the phone to (last entry.) but i feel like...she's not supposed to be my friend either. well, she's supposed to be my friend and we are friends, but she's not my, oh god, i don't even know what i am saying anymore. i'm just saying that I am my own best friend. i am there for me. i cry with me. i listen to me. i love me. ya know? and my mother is my best friend too. without her- what would be my life? she's the best person i know. the best. the most understanding and loving and caring. what a dork. my mom is my best friend. but i'm okay with that.
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