| Current mood: | i don't know |
well, it's the first
this is my first entry at blirty. i'm going to be seriously speaking the truth about my life here. it's going to be like my real diary......i think. but i do feel weird having people being able to look at it. but if i didn't have people look at it then what's the point of having an online journal?
my aunt paige called yesterday. my mother had written her an email about life up here. so she was worried, because life up here is not so good. so i talked to her because my mother wasn't home. so it kind of went like this..
Aunt Paige: Hey, how's your mom?
Me: She's .pause. okay.
AP: Tell me the truth.
Me: She's not good.
AP: I didn't think so.
then we got into how my father and my mother are always fighting and my father beats her down mentally.
AP: so you can't take it anymore?
Me: I really can't.
AP: You want her to leave?
Me: Well, I want him to leave.
AP: You want him to leave.
Me: Yeah
and more than that, but i don't really remember details.
i went into my mom's email today. yeah yeah i know, wrong. but she already asked me before if i read the email because i kept asking her about it, and i hadn't then, so i decided to today after she left for work.
she confessed to aunt paige that she felt like there was no other way out other than suicide. and you know what? i wasn't shocked. i wasn't surprised. if i were her i'd feel the same way.
we went through this about two weeks ago.
my mother, little brother, me and my father went shopping for "back to school" clothes at Target. So it came out to be $300 for my little brother and I, for clothing, socks, bags, and other odds and ends. so he freaks out in the car, yelling about how stupid (as usual) we are, and what big jerks, assholes, all that kind of stuff. so i'm crying (he doesn't care) and my mom starts crying saying, "you know i always though i was a good person." and she is, she's the best person. "why do i deserve this? i never did anything wrong. why don't i just die for you! better yet! why don't i just kill myself! so you can feel the pain." it was possibly the worst moment of my life.
then we got home and we all got out of the car, except for my mom and she drove off. so i went in my room and my little brother came in with me, and i couldn't stop crying. i kept crying. and i felt like such a jerk crying in front of him, because he didn't know what to do. he kept saying it'll be alright. but i knew it wouldn't. i told him that i think mom is going to kill herself. so we decided to go ride our bikes to get away from dad. so all the while i'm crying, i must have cried about 2 hours straight, i didn't stop. so after riding around for awhile, i told him to go home and that i was going to go to my friend's house. so he went home, and i called my friend on my cell phone but no one answered so i didn't go over. and my father comes and finds me and tells me 'oh i love you, blah blah blah, oh i'm the only one fighting for us' bullshit, i didn't buy any of it. he thinks i'm this little naive girl. so i kept riding my bike and i called my friend again and she answered. so i talked to her on the phone while i'm riding my bike. and i was trying to hold back my tears (i still hadn't stopped crying) and i was just carrying on normal conversation then finally i just broke down and told her "i dont know where my mom is." sobbing through this and everything and "i think she's going to kill herself." and we talked, well i talked and she listened, which i thanked her for later. and she made me laugh and my dad found me again and said "get home! it's late out! there's weird people out!" like he actually cares. he's one of those weird people. so i went home, saw my mom's car, and ran in, i was so happy. overwhelmed and i ran and hugged her and kept saying "i love you i love you i love you i love you...." and that was probably actually the happiest moment of my life, went from worst to happiest. that's basically the story.
my mom told me this morning that she hopes i know that she was never going to do anything. (commit suicide) i believe her. but i'm scared. i think she would do that, or maybe murder my father. (she also said that in the email) uh i'm just soooooooo freaking sick of this life. i just want out so bad. i want my father to go away forever. he's the cause of all the pain and suffering in this house and i just can't take it anymore.
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