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I had a lot of time on my hands yesterday. I had a field trip that ran from the end of my AM route to the begining of my PM route. So I was on the clock for about 11 hours. I spent several hours alone, did a little shopping, ate lunch alone. I was able to sit and think about my life. I know, I shouldn't do that, but what else is there for me to do? For over 21 years, I have been the caretaker in this marriage. The one that took care of everyone and everything. I make sure the bills are paid, the groceries are purchased, (and I have to make sure there is money enough to do all of that, then decide what bills don't get paid when there isn't enough money, something that has happened way too often over the past 10 years, not because I am not working tho.) the laundry gets done, the animals are fed and taken to the vet or for walks. 7 times out of 10 I mow the lawn, I clean the house, (altho I must admit, I have had little to no desire to clean the house in the past year and it shows. I need to get back at it.), the kids have whatever they need, go to the school for teacher confrences, drive them everywhere, buy all of the christmas gifts for everyone, (including anything I might want), make sure birthdays are remembered, you name it, I take care of it. I always have been the one person making sure that this house and family keeps going. But no one ever takes care of me. That is what I have been missing in my life. There is no one to care enough about me to make sure I have my needs met. To make sure I feel like I matter. A person needs to feel loved. Needs to feel important. Otherwise they starve inside. Their heart will start to ache for what is missed. I have spent a lot of years living on not enough sleep. I would lay awake in bed, worries running thru my mind. How would I pay the bills this month? How would I buy those new shoes for the kids? Will there be enough money for Solo Ensemble fees? How about the needed voice lessons? What will I go without to make sure the kids have what they need? Isn't that what mom's do? Go without for the sake of their kids? Just once I want to lay my head down at night, feel someone hold me, because he wants to please me, to make me feel safe, secure and be able to sleep without all of the worries that have dominated my mind and sleep for all of these years. To let someone else worry for a change. Ah, but it is only a dream. I will lay down again tonight, worries running thru my mind as usual. Dominated by loneliness and sadness. By betrayal and loss. By heartache. Post a comment in response: |
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