| Current mood: |  depressed |
| Current music: | ・・・ |
vexed
i remember a year ago, there was this time tha i had this bad mood swing and i refused to tell my bestfriend hannah and my budz why i felt so bad. i remember how i stubbornly dodged their questions of concern and made it clear with them that i was okay when in fact, i was not...
well today was a rehash of that episode in my life... and i'm not feeling pretty good about it...
i guess when people get old, you have these repressions that eventually come out every once in a while. i guess mine was, i just wanted a break from being everybody's person. sometimes i feel as if i try so hard to please everybody when in fact, every brain cell in my head knows that it's imposible to do that. and sometimes i just feel sorry for myself for just caring too much about everybody and not being cared for in return...most of the time i FEEL it's unfair but i KNOW that it was my choice too... *altruistic? nah... just plain stupid*
i'm a very genki person. i smile a lot, i joke a lot... but it's hard when you're stereotyped to this role because once you stop grinning everyone is bound to notice...
today i had a very bad mood swing.
and i guess as much as i KNOW how bad i felt, i didn't realize that it SHOWED. *stupid me* but it's just that i really don't feel like smiling. *but i have to... so my smile turns out to be more fake than ever!*
and i didn't know how it affected everyone... but i guess in a way it did... and i just want to cry. i'm so torn between letting my true emotions show and assuring everyone that everything's ok. because they weren't and i wasn't but it's totally hard to explain things without sounding so cliche *"it's not you, it's me..."*
i guess i just needed time to think, and a very good cry.
now i can't sleep because i really feel bad about what happened... i feel as though i have failed everyone and as if i'm this really bad person... i can't believe i let the same mistake happen again.
i dunno... maybe i think too much... but right now i KNOW i feel totally bad...
i screwed up what should have been a positively happy dinner (although things weren't totally unhappy as they were chatting up a storm, as i tried to unsulk in a corner * hehehehe* well at least i tried*) i wasted a good friend's time as i whined and contemplated about my weaknesses *i can still here my friend's sigh of frustration and patience as he tried to explain one point again and again and again..* and i wasted what should have been a good memory of my time here in Japan.
now i'm regretting what i have done. but now i also feel trapped in a kaleidescope of smiling faces... faces which i have to wear all the time. faces which are suppose to be me...
もう自分の悲しさに溺れているのが・・・助けてくれる人がいないの。
皆にごめんね・・・
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