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Pat (ingramhill2) wrote,
@ 2005-08-13 14:15:00
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    Current mood:Hungover
    Current music:Present Tense--Pearl Jam

    Tom O'Neill
    It's been quite a while since I've written anything on here. I think since February. I read some of the entries from then, and it was kind of funny. It's like, wow how things can change in 6 months. Well, today is Saturday, and I am supposed to be working right now, but im not. Now one may ask, "why isnt Pat at work today?" Well, it's because I am hungover. Quite hungover. Today I went into pick n save and I had to wear sunglasses inside cuz the lights hurt my eyes so badly. But last night I had the best time ever. I was having a lot of fun :). Last night after work I went to the liquor store and bought a bottle of jaegermeister and a small bottle of vodka and then went home, found my bottle of UV blue vodka, and called bob. He came over, and we each had a "gingerbomb" as i like to call them(ginger ale and jaeger). Yum Yum. So after that, Bob and I headed over to bob's friend Jeff's house, and we played poker and other games till about 1am. I had my fair share of jaegerbombs. Those are so good. I was pretty fucked up by the end of the night. It was funny. Bob then took me home and i felt sick but not too bad. I probably should have thrown up cuz i feel like a bag of dicks today. But last night was great. Me, bob, dave, tom, ryan, and of course jeff were all there. Tom is goin to Iraq monday, and im a little sad about it. I'll miss him. He'll be gone for a whole year. When he comes back we're throwin him a hell of a party. He's a good kid. He really is. We give him a lot of shit, but he's a great kid. But yeah, the last few days have been up and down. Right after I broke up with Ana, I was doing really well, cuz I didnt know anything about her, didnt know what was goin on, and it was none of my business, and I just felt good cuz it was over. Now after what people have told me, I feel like shit. I was told that Ana has been drinking like a fish lately, and i can try and put on a face that says i really dont care about what she does, but it fucking kills me that she does that. I wont lie, i hate it, and it makes me sick to my stomach that she does it. Mostly because she's doing it for the wrong reasons, and because she's better than that, and also it's with Brad Wilson, who she told me she doesnt even like and probably is just there for the booze, and Brad probably still likes her and im suprised he hasnt made a move on her. It makes me really sad, and it makes me wanna come up to her every day and tell her how she's better than that and she should be happy with who she is and not have to drink her problems away, but im doin the same thing now lol. Im too afraid to say anything to her at all, cuz im afraid I may hurt her by talking to her. I feel it's best just not to talk to her anymore or whatever. There are days where I just even want to say, "hi ana" and thats it. But im too afraid since I dont know how she feels. I wanna tell her how I'd still like to be friends, but im too afraid it wont work and it will be awkward. It's just really strange to see someone that you care about and not saying anything, to make eye contact when they're labelling packages and not at least smile or something. It's something I still need to get used to. Im afraid friendship isnt possible when she still is in love with me, I dont think you can just push that sort of thing away. So it's probably better the way it is now. Bob has told me some things about Ana. I cant help think that Ana hates me. The other day i smiled at her and she just looked away. Thats another reason i dont say hi, truthfully im afraid of her. She probably hates me. She probably went from sadness to hatred. I wouldnt be suprised if she was talking about me to other people. I'd be up for being her friend, but thats it. Im happier not being her boyfriend. Id be her friend, but thats it. But yeah, enough of that. So i've decided that like my life sucks and im gonna binge drink for a while. Part of me thinks that if Ana sees me like this and sees me hit rock bottom, then she'll realize how dumb it is and stop doing it. Im slowly hitting rock bottom right now. I just dont care about anything anymore. I wanna quit my job, and I wanna quit school and just sit around feeling sorry for myself that I dont have anything. Im not just doin this to have people feel sorry for me. I dont care what people think of what im in the process of doin to myself. But yeah. I should be cutting grass, but I really just dont give a shit. I just wanna go out and take my next step to alcoholism, show my dad's family a thing or 2. Ha, they call themselves alcoholics, they havent seen anything yet.

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