| Current mood: |  lonely |
| Current music: | counting crows colorblind <3 |
and i wont tell no one your name ..
im so stuck right now .. im crying and my heart keeps tieing itself in knots and its ripping me apart. why do i always run back to him ? why ?! all he does is pop in and out of my life as he pleases... he says he dosent mean it .. and i beleive him .ughh ... how can i still be in love with him when hes 2 hours away .. with another girl .. and another life ... its like his last year in life was just a fantasy ... ? i dont no .. it seems like what me and him had .. will never be again . it seems like hes pushing it all away as much as he can .. but theres still a piece of him trying to glue it all back together again . i dont even no if what im thinking makes sence . its seems like im doing the same thing he is .. i tell all my friends im over him ... but i no .. i no they can see right thru me . why do i try to pretend ... why do i consistantly lie to myself .. to my heart ? " i am folded .. and unfolded .. and unfolding .. am i .. blind " - counting crows "colorblind" is it possible im blinding myself from reality because im not ready to let go of what i used to have ... of how it used to be ? i want it all back .. i want the pain gone. what did i do so wrong to deserve this torture ? was i foolish to try and hang onto the one thing that made me happy in life ? if it ends like this .. what will happen to it all .. what will happen to him ... to the memories... to the past .. what will happen to us ? i want us to be like we are in all of our pictures ... i want us to be together.. and to be happy .. i want our world to be perfectly fit around eachother . you were my all .. you were my heart<3 u had everything inside of me. you knew my mind more than i did .. u hepled me thru it all .. and maybe that was selfish of me ? i dont no .. was it so bad that i felt like u could always be there .. so i turned to you for everything ? was i to dependable upon you ? and if i was .. what was so wrong . you promised you'd come home.. you promised you wouldnt be gone forever .. and you promised with a ring .. u put a promise ring on my finger on christmas night ... i thought you'd be home by now .. home with me ..
Being away from you is like .. your dead ... half the time i dont even no if your alive .. i go crazy thinking about where u are when i dont hear from you ... all the things running thru my mind about where u could possibly be ... "is he in love with another girl ?.... does he love her more then me .... did he forget about me ... was it all a lie ... is he in jail ... is he dead ... ?" i dont no .. your like a mystery in my mind that i've ben trying to solve since u moved away in september. i still remember the first night we talked .. it was on new years eve ... the night before 2004 <3 you told me your name was bob .. bcuase u didnt like your real name . a couple nights after that ... u frankie n becky came to my house to get me ... in the middle of winter we were walking around taylor .. we went to the center to get warmed up .. and everytime i would look up at you ... you'd be looking at me and smiling =) i love your smile ... we had a phone conversation that night that lasted 4 hours .. lol .. we told our whole life stories .... and then we ended up hanging out a couple times after that . i remember the night u asked me out . we were wrestling in my cousins house .. n u asked .. and obviously i said yes. that night u told me i was addicting ... that u loved my kisses and you were hooked .. i found u beautiful .. i found everything about you enchanting .. that night on the phone .. u told me u were going to end up falling in love with me really fast .. and we did .. we both fell in love really fast .. january 22nd 2004 ... i will never forget that... we finally decided that we can see other people on march 14th 2005. i cant beleive i hung onto a love for so long ... ususally im afarid of hurting someone .. or getting hurt .. but with you .. i felt so comfortable .. i could be myself in front of you .. and thats what i loved about you .. you were everything i never had .. that i always wanted ..
Instead of babaling ill post a journal entery i wrote on june 23rd 05 .. about him ... <3
-- Seems like forever since i've touched your face, or felt your soft skin carassing mine. I love every moment of it, i love every moment with you. your taking over my mind with thoughts of kissing your lips running through my head. All of your imperfections make you perfect for me. I love all of your bad habits, all of your mistakes, and i love to laugh at you when u try to be mad at me. What i hate now, is that i don't have all of those things anymore. I don't have you anymore.Now im lucky if i talk to you once a week, maybe once a month. I can't wait to touch you again , to feel your touch, to hear you whisper in my ear as im falling asleep. I can't wait to have you again. I want to sit there and hold you . I want to obsorb everything inside you. I want to know everything i've missed since you've ben away. I want to kiss you until you can't breath. But what i want to know most of all, is if this will ever happen again? You are my shining star. With you, even the arguments mean alot. I wish i was yours again. I wish i could wake up every morning lying in your arms. I would give anything to have one more night with you . Spend the whole night with your bare skin aganist mine, kissing your lips, and rubbing my finger tips across your face. The way our hands fit so perfectly together is hard to find. You're it for me , and im finally ready to admit it . I don't want anymore .. or any less for that matter ... I want you, and thats all there is to it. --
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