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angel . . (infuriated) wrote,
@ 2005-08-16 00:37:00
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    Current mood: drained
    Current music:bush-glycerine

    everything is shit
    how many times am i gunna let someone walk all over me and fuck with my emotions? god .. im tired of trying to make something out of nothing .. if only someone knew how i felt .. i wish i had someone to talk to .. i miss hanging out with aaron .. hes my comfort zone .. i miss everything .. we were talking till 3:30 am last night ... talking about everything .. all our old memories .. than we started to talk about how we dont want our friendship to end up like that because our friendship can conquor over anything .. i dont wanna look back in a couple years and think .. "wow i remember when i could talk to aaron about everything .. and now we dont speak " i wont let that happen. we were talking about our love lives .. and they've both gone down the drain .. theres certain things we miss about having "others" but .. i guess im better off single .. he says he is and hes probally right .. we talked about neil mostly .. about how im starting to forget what he looks like .. what his touch feels like .. sometimes .. when i close my eyes and think real hard .. i can still feel his hand on my face when we kiss .. i can still feel him lying next to me ... i miss him .. but i miss what we had more .. id start all over with him again .. and chris .. im so done with him .. hes a dick ,.. and so 2 faced he makes me sick . last night we went drinking back the woods .. it was me leah jimmy phil amanda jaime ryan and chris .... it was .. alright i guess ... i tried to make the best of it .. but all i could do was think of neil .. wishing he was there to hold me while we sat next to the fire talking about all the good times we had and how much i wish i had him . i hate waking up in the morning after i just had a dream that we were together .. i roll over and go to kiss him .. and hes never there ... hes like .. a fading memory ... i dont want him to fade away ... i cant stand the miles between us.he wants to come visit ... but hes gunna have his girlfriend with him .. im not gunna be able to be around him .. i cant stand the fact knowing that hes with another girl so far away .. but seeing it is just gunna kill me more .. its gunna destory me ... completely .. i guess .. if i cant have him the way i want him .. i want to be his best friend .. i want him to feel like he can talk to me about anything .. but now thats hes seeing someone else .. its like he has to hide shit from me .. he always like flipping out about me asking him questions n shit .. i dont understand it .. shes changing him .. i no it .. i dont think he knows it yet .. but i do .. i can hear it in his voice .. and if i could see him .. i'd probally see it in his eyes 2.. i was there for neil when he really needed someone .. i stuck by him thru thick and thin .. and maybe it wasnt so easy to talk to me about shit than it was for him .. but i tried .. i couldnt change though i wanted to . but still .. i was always there to comfort him . and vise versa ... i was there when he had nothing .. no family .. no money .. no certain place to live .. no job .. i stuck by him through it all .. i even stuck by him when he moved away .,. i waited 9 months just to get a phone call saying he loved another girl ... he never had any stability in his life ... i no his childhood .. i listened to everything he ever told me .. i beleived every word that ever came from his lips .. he was the legs to my table .. and when it was over .. i fell .. im not the same .. all my friends ask me whats wrong everytime im with them .. leah told me last night that i havent been myself since that night .. and i havent .. i can tell too .. and i try to hide it .. i really do .. i dont want everyone to know that im falling to pieces inside .. everything i've ever known .. is nothing now .. my trust for anyone is hard to get now . . i cant take it .. i can see it in my own smile that im faking it .. i dont even look happy in pictures .. nothing .. even if im drunk as shit with all my best friends around having a good ass time .. inside ... im not happy .. im shit .. theres nothing left to me but pain and memories .. i hate this whole damn place ... i should just lock myself in my room .. block out all day light ... forget about the life im living .. forget about everything i've ever had .. and just be miserable ... i never thought it would be so hard waking up in the morning and not hearing his voice or feeling his touch .. i needed to hear his voice to start and end my day .. now i have nothing to look forward to .. a call once in a while .. but most of the time hes with his girlfriend so its not like its anything that great ... i dont no .. im waiting for him to call me back .. i'll be suprised if he does .. i wish he knew how hard it was to get off the phone with him and not be able to say i love you after a year and a half ...



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