| Current mood: | constricted |
| Current music: | Sarah McLaughlan - Fallen |
A Dead Place
i hate school. i hate cal city. i hate the desert. hell, i pretty much hate everything i've known about this place my entire life. i feel like i'm stuck in a dome where nothing beautiful can get in and the "real" world is carrying on without me. not taking a second glance in my direction. i tried running away a couple of times. just to get away from my house, my neighborhood... i even tried saving up to buy a bus ticket, but that never worked out. i guess my only way out will come when i leave for college. i'll have to wait two years. i suppose since i've survived for 16 i can manage for two more. it just gets so frustrating sometimes. like you're trying to move and you're mind is working so hard to leave, but your body won't respond. you feel disabled, like you cant do anything to change your own fate. well i know my fate has nothing to do with this place. maybe even this state. i want to be anywhere but here. i was riding the bus home looking at the empty, dead valley surrounded by hideous mountains, like they form a wooden fence around it's flock (us). the sky isnt really a sky because it doesn't snow or hail. sometimes the rain that falls on the other side of the fence will be pushed this way. giving hope for a white christmas. i used to always wish for a snowy christmas. a couple years i even wrote to santa for it. i barely remember that one year it snowed like 4 inches. i can recall spending all day outside, getting in fights with the neighbors and such. i don't think this place will ever have another day like that. with my luck it'll snow when i leave. the sad thing is, that's not a joke.
love,
Hillary
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