|Current mood:|| confused|
holy fucking shit.
this is the worst feeling ever. this is ridiculous. i feel bad that he loves me so much and that i told him i loved him too, but i dont know if i do or not. i cant tell him that. it would kill him. i dont want to love anyone. but i do at the same time. i need to calm down. i need a hug. i hate the fact that i dont know where to go. i've hurt so many feelings and i had feelings hurt. i'm so selfish. i do what i want, regardless of anyone elses feelings. i need to stop doing that. but how do i know what i'm doing is right? how do i know that i'm meant to be with him? how do i know i'm not supposed to be with someone else. and what do i do when someone thinks i'm the one for them, but i dont know if they are the one for me? i dont want to hurt them. i dont want to hurt anyone. all i deserve is to hurt myself. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCk.
what am i doing? i've gone completely insane. this is ridiculous. i am completely ridiculous. how could i do this to anyone? i never thought i'd be that girl. the girl who gets involved with a million guys. i dont want to be that girl. i just read his message and he's so in love with me. but he doesnt know. he cant know. tahts how i felt. i want to be absolutely positively sure that im meant for someone. this is too serious. i dont know what i want. i dont want to be alone, but i dont want to be with everyone. i like getting to know people.
take me and mike. we were alike, but different in some ways. he was too preppy for me. listened to z100 and listened to emo. i couldnt deal with that. he still wants to be that 'captian of the football team' popular jock image. i dont want that anymore.
me and bert. thats on the opposite end of the spectrum all together. he lived rock. i'm glad we chilled for as long as we did. i got a better taste in music thats for sure. i learned a lot about myself by being with him. i still dont know how he feels about me. i dont know how he felt about me. it was hard to get into his mind. i think i liked that though. i wanted to try to break in. but i know now that hes not going to let anyone in but lexi. and thats good for him. i'm glad hes happy.
me and bart. i dont know what the fucks going on. hes got a good taste in music. and i like his fish. hes sweet. i dont know if i regret meeting him or not. i mean, yea hes awesome and everything but i didnt need to open another can of worms. i dont know if he wants me or not and i dont know if i want him or not. i like being friends with him, but i dont know if i wanna hook up with him or not. AHHH! my head fucking hurts.
me and james. this just started. all because faye told him to call me and he actually did. we didnt do anything yet, except talk on the phone. but i liked that. and hes damn sexy. his eyes are awesome. hes sweet. i want to hang out with him.
me and chris. oh god. i'm in waaaaaaaaaay too deep. i didnt know he felt soo strongly about this. i dont know how i fucking feel. i cant be myself around him. i feel like i have to be so proper and not dumb. and around bart i feel like i have to be dumb. i'm not myself anymore and i hate it. i dont remember the last time i was genuinely myself. i dont know myself. i know i would be ashamed of myself if i knew who i was. this is fucking ridiculous.
i guess waht i want is a mix of them. but i have to find that person. everyone wants someone to love and someone to love them. but i dont know who i want to love me and i dont know who i love. how do i know i couldnt love bart? how do i know i couldnt love james? i'm so fucking confused i dont know what the fuck to do.