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trying to convince myself if anything is real (ilori) wrote,
@ 2003-10-22 02:58:00
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    Current mood:tense & sore.
    Current music:yellowcard, breathing

    eyes are feeling heavy but they never seem to close . .
    . . so it's no secret that i don't write much anymore. another eight days have gone by and still, i have what feels like nothing to say. i know i'll find something eventually, i always do.

    i've spent the past two weeks studying for midterms. i've had a cold of some-sort for over a week now . . not too sure what it is. i'm getting plenty of sleep ( finally ) but i'm still tired all the time. my appetite is practically non-existant, but i still eat the required meals out of habit. if i didn't i'd have several people on my ass, anyway. midterms went by just fine, and the only ton of homework i was given over the course of our break was to study for an upcoming history test, and french workbook stuff. ( - makes a note to ask kiora for the frenchbook. - )

    . . i knew i'd forget so i e-mailed him now just in case.

    this always seems to happen to me. mid-way through a semester i lose my drive and comedown with a huge case of lethargy. i have to find a way to shake myself out of this, i really do.

    i've downloaded a ton of yellowcard songs today -- their all really good. my cousin frankie is the best person ever because he let me use his credit card to order my philosophy products :D kelly & britt may come see me in january, who knows. i'm trying to figure out what i want to do this summer. it's kindof sad but . . since i finally left home, i don't really want to go back there. i knew it would end up this way ; especially after my dad was gone. i don't care where i end up, but i know where i don't want to be -- i don't want to be there. sure i miss my mom & my family sometimes . . but i adjusted to living on my own pretty quickly when i was in vermont, and i made the same adjustment when i moved here. i'm trying to make a lot of little changes . . about myself, about the way i view things. it's taking time but i'm doing it and i'm doing it on my own.

    . . since i moved home, to take care of my dad i felt like i've been dealing with everything on my own. funny how i didn't feel like i was growing-up until i moved back home for a year. every day was a struggle of some kind, from the minute i moved back. for starters i met alexis -- and my whole life changed. sure i've cared for kids before, i babysat a lot with austin and savannah . . all their lives, from infancy ; and when i moved to vermont some of my friends on campus had children that i babysat . . including my boss's eight-month old. but alexis was something completely different. in a way, she became -- as selfish as this sounds, mine. she called me her pretend-mommy, because her's was never around. i experienced . . what i think it must feel like, to have a child. it changed me in a lot of ways -- and as hard-ass as i may come across sometimes, i think at heart i'm an extremely soft person. god i miss her. alright, that's an entry all on it's own. i worked as the head receptionist at my local probation office, and i did a lot of volunteer work. then i went to my local community college for a while and began taking care of dad more after alexis passed away. after christmas i began taking care of him almost full time . . until i withdrew from school and took care of him 24/7 until his final days. god i hate even typing those words . . final days. i hate it.

    it's kindof sad, honestly. i mean my mom calls me, but we never have much to say to each other. we're not very good conversationalists . . when it comes to one of us talking to the other one. but generally i think we're pretty great at keeping a conversation. i mean i've watched her have better conversations with complete strangers she meets in the cereal isle of a market then she does with me on the phone -- but i'm not any good at it either, so it's a two way street. i was just laying on my day bed the other day, talking to her and . . i silently wished i was talking to my dad. we had no problems communicating. he knew what i was thinking without me even having to be there. he was my best friend, and no matter how i try to fix this with my mom, i don't feel like we'll ever get to that level.

    it's an adjustment -- living on your own, doing everything on your own . . being alone, in general. i think it took me too long to make that adjustment and come full circle, but i think i'm finally here.

    i don't even know what the point of this entry was, or how i got . . where i've gotten to. anyway . .

    bri -- i miss you, and i'm thinking of you. i'm going to e-mail you right now.
    meg -- i'm glad you had such a wonderful time with jim . . but i'm sorry about your step-brother and his ex-wife :/ if you need anything please feel free to comment or e-mail me.
    kiora -- your a nerd . . this weekend you should write an entry. yep, it's your turn to give me something interesting to read.

    edit: ashley surprised me with two new icons, she's a total sweetheart. i was attempting to stay away from the dawson/joey theme -- but i had to show these off.

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