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truth with elegance (if_i_could) wrote,
@ 2005-01-02 02:16:00
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    so not a very happy new year then.
    it's not like i make a conscious decision to be so fucking miserable all the time,and i do try to pull myself out of this ever deepening hole i'm in but i can't fucking do this anymore.
    my mind never stops racing and it's worryworryworryworryworryworryworryworry all of the fucking time.
    i start a conversation with someone and past the initial 'how are you?' i get the feeling that no one does actually give a shit,9 times out of 10 it's all about them,and while i don't mind that,because i like to be there for people and help if i can,it'd just be nice if people seemed to care once in a while.
    i am a selfish fucking bitch.
    i think the one thought i find myself having more and more is 'you don't know me,and you don't make any effort to,you have an idea in your head that you refuse to budge from and i waste my breath trying to talk to you because it always comes back to you,how fucked up you are and how much more you suffer than everyone else'
    i dunno.
    i really don't know what to do.
    one of my friends wrote in their journal that they wish they were one of those guys whose only concerns were how they were going to get pissed and look for someone for a cheap pull and i can so relate to that.
    i'm not saying that i'm super intelligent or that i'm better than anyone else but i wish that that was enough,i wish i could turn my brain off,just for a while,and stop worrying and obsessing over things that were said months ago.
    but i can't,and the words haunt me,and so i cut,and i feel even more pathetic.
    and despite what people say,they don't understand,they aren't inside my head and they have no idea what it's like to be me,how patronising they sound and how fucking sick i am of them trying to play the 'i'm more fucked up than you' game.
    you know what?
    it isn't a fucking contest.
    depression makes you rot from the inside out,it takes you from uncontrollable sadness to utter numbness,it fucks with your mind,it makes you act like a cunt to those you love,it's not something to be used as a fucking status symbol,something to make you appear cool and different.
    if you truly knew what it was like then you'd never pretend,you'd never wish that on yourself.
    people are cunts.
    in the words of reuben,happy fucking new year.

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