| Current mood: |  depressed |
| Current music: | Goo Goo dolls Acoustic #3...Sympathy...Oasis Wonderwall |
SIGH.....apathetic sigh
Truth is a whisper only a choice
Nobody hears above this noise
Well i'm back to the Goo Goo Dolls scene...Johnny Rzenzk must know me or something, because i'm quite sure that all of his songs are about my life, but what can you do eh?? Obviously i haven't figured out anything yet because i sure as hell wouldn't be sitting here alone, litterally in the dark at quater after 1 in the morning on the damned internet.
So do you ever feel like for a monent...just for a split second even that everything is good...infact it's about as close to perfect as one can get in this less than perfect world...but then you just wake up or turn on the light and it's gone...and you're not quite sure where it went or how you let it slip from your fingers but nevertheless it isn't there anymore, and whats worse than losing your short termed happiness, is not knowing when or if it will ever come around again, am i depressing anyone here? well if i am then mission accomplished because i don't really want anyone to be happy without me so jump on my self pitty, sorrow band wagon and hold on tight because it seems like its going to be a less than smooth ride.
And i'm sick again, maybe i just keep getting sick because i want to be sick, maybe i'm just looking for a way to shut out the world again and live my life in this one bedroom loft without the distraction of the outside world. I hate this place, i don't sleep well and i've been here by myself for nearly a week and its starting to make me think,.....just think in general, but then i start to think about being alone forever. you know it wouldn't be so bad, there'd be no heart ache to deal with, i actually picture myself walking down the street as the sun is setting and i'm alone, and i never actually stop to picture myself with friends, or significant others, just me by myself.
I bought a book today after i finished watching the movie the hours...Virginia Woolf's novel Mrs Dalloway actually inspired Michael Cunningham's novel The Hours...which obviously inspired the movie,and i thought the movie was absolutely phemonemal...i was able to catch all of the running themes, and relationships between all of the characters as the movie unfolded, which of course i commended myself for doing because usually it takes me a while but i get it at the end...and someone told me they didin't like the movie, but i think they were just to dumb to understand it, and they probably had no idea who Virginia Woolf was...as soon as i figured out the one lady was Virginia Woolf i started researching her online, because i haven't read anything by her in a while. In anycase the movie was right up my alley and i thought i'd share my one positive thought of the day.
As much as i have been alone this past week, i haven't so much minded it as much as it might sound like i have, my anxiety has been slightly overwhelming lately and the more people i see the worse it is so i just end up shutting myself up and being alone anyways so i guess it worked out for the best. I hate feeling like everyone is judging me and looking at me constantly, i'm so f-ing paranoid i can't stand it anymore, and god i wish that people were just more accepting i guess, but even if they were i woulnd't think that way and i'd still be paranoid so i guess that was a useless comment.
I guess what i'm looking for is for someone or something who feels the same way, who wants to be alone but not always, who isn't out to save the world from sadness, someone or something down to earth even if they are bi polar, but knows what its like to have things not go the right way constantly, maybe i've just been alone for too long.
Don't fall into love
But don't wait for it either
Don't dive into it head first
You may end up with a broken kneck
Just casually let it creep in the door
And greet it with a smile
Take it one step at a time
Don't let it trick you or blind you
Remember that you are you
With or without great romance
And as long as you don't forget yourself
Love should sweep you off your feet
And life will be happy
And you will thank me for my bit of knowledge
Because love will not have taken you by surprise
And your heart will be safe....
UGH.....I hurt everywhere...........goodnight world...another less than amusing day awaits us tomorrow
Devon...
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