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In times past, when love and marriage were not so inextricably tied together, mate selection was seen as too important a task to be left up to young people. This was especially true among royals and the upper class. Marriages would cement bonds between families with common political and economic interests. It is simply more difficult to invade France if one's son is married to the Princess of Tuscany or whatever. As personal fortunes and property became more important, concomitant with the creation and rise of the merchant class, marriages were seen as a way to cement loyalties between people not tied by blood relation. It is simply easier to pass one's millions to offspring and on one's relations. Marriage, because of it's importance beyond the young couple, became an arranged situation to secure these purposes. Thus, we have all the wonderful stories of monarchs marrying off their embryonic sons in prearranged agreements to the yet to be born daughters of other monarchs. Interestingly, stories of courtly love exist along side ones telling about the staleness of arranged marriages. Later on historically, as nationalism becomes less important, and society becomes more capitalistic and highly mobile, romantic love comes into vogue. Children are encouraged to choose their own mates here (within limits). Dating emerges as a device by which youngsters may get to know a wide variety of potential mates in a relative hurry. This couldn't happen until the society, as a whole, became more affluent. Teenagers need transportation and means! Sometimes marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives. When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends getting married from reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fervor, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering days and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate. On rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to flow in each other’s presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other’s foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the other’s habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other? The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages of a relationship. Sexual attraction blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming physical fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together. Laughter is one clue to compatibility. It tells you how much you will enjoy each other’s company over the long term. If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. If you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn dour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical together. Visit for more useful information on Protecting Marriage, Avoiding Divorce and Selecting life Partner Post a comment in response: |
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