Things aren't right anymore...haven't been for a while now. It really started going downhill in Kyoto when Tsuzuki tried to kill himself. After that, he just couldn't get his walls back up again. I thought when I finally realized that I loved him back that he would get better. He did for a time, but it's like it's wearing off.
I think he's slowly going mad from despair.
The worst part of it is that he doesn't think he deserves happiness, so he won't let anyone help him.
I've tried talking to him, but it doesn't help at all. It's getting worse, too. He got into another fight with Terazuma. There were no blows exchanged, only words, but when I found Tsuzuki afterwards, his eyes had taken on that strange red tint.
He was absolutely furious. He kept yelling about how I was going to come to hate him, that I'd leave him like all the others. It hurt because I thought he knew me better than that. I need him just as much as he needs me. We've both chosen to cut ourselves off from others, although with him it isn't so obvious. At least, it wasn't.
He's almost never truly happy anymore. His depression taints everything. He can't even hold me without it hurting, and the fact that he's made me helpless makes it that much worse.
Things just keep getting darker, too. I thought maybe he was going to get better after our talk. I thought maybe something I'd said had finally sunk in. Then, we found out that Muraki had taken Watari and Hijiri.
We went to rescue them. Muraki was sent running with a hole right through him, but somehow Tsuzuki was returned to a living body.
He was lost, and in pain...and when I finally got him home he asked for a knife to kill himself with. It had to be done so he could be a shinigami again, not trapped in a living body that caused him pain. He promised me that he wouldn't leave, then he cut his wrist.
His body was too weak, though, and he couldn't make the cut. So he told me that I'd have to do it. I didn't think I'd be able to. He was asking me to kill him. Even knowing that he'd come back....
I finally agreed to do it, because he was in so much pain. My hand was shaking so badly that I thought it might come off. I placed the knife and closed my eyes as tightly as I could, because I couldn't watch as I sliced his arm open.
When he...died...I turned and ran. I didn't open my eyes until I had turned away, because I didn't want to see what I had done. I caught a glimpse though...in a mirror hanging on the wall. I don't think I'll ever get that image out of my head.
I was going to get Tatsumi. Tsuzuki had told me that the body would need to be buried. I turned a corner, and ran right into him. Tsuzuki, not Tatsumi. He was just standing there in that ever-present trenchcoat of his, smiling at me saying, 'I'm back'.
I didn't know what to do. I was still panicked, hell, I was still crying, and a tiny part of me was waiting for him to scream at me for doing that to him.
He didn't though. He picked me up and hugged me and apologised. He didn't say it was going to be all right, because I think he knows it isn't. He isn't going to be all right.
It makes me want to scream. It makes me want to beat some sense into him. Sometimes...it makes me want to give up. It's too hard. I'm not doing any good. Why not just give up? But if I did that...I'd lose him...and I can't lose him.
It isn't just that I don't want to lose him. It's that I couldn't stand it. If he leaves me...after all we've been through, after all the betrayal, after he's told me that he loves me, that he'd never leave me, after I've given myself to him...I will end my existance. I can't take that kind of loss, of betrayal again. If he goes insane, he'll have left me, and I'll leave everything else behind just as he had planned to do.
Now that I've found him, I don't want to exist without him. After all, he's the only one who ever bothered to save me.
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