Last night, Tsuzuki and I...well...we almost....
I can't even talk about it here.
Not that it matters. I couldn't go through with it. As soon as it really started, my memories of Muraki were pulled to the forefront of my mind. I yelled out and shook and cried like a child.
I was ashamed because I'd just told Tsuzuki that I trusted him, then I let that happen. I was angry, with Muraki for what he did to me, and with myself for not being able to put it behind me.
Tsuzuki's reassurances didn't help any, either. He'd been so depressed lately because he wanted this, and I went and spoiled it.
Tsuzuki held me all night anyway, but I don't think I slept for more than a few minutes total. Every time I started to drift off my mind would conjure up images from that night, and I'd have to wake up again. I don't think Tsuzuki noticed, which is good. I don't want to be more of a bother than I already am.
I think maybe I wanted it to, but perhaps for the wrong reasons. I love Tsuzuki, I know that much, and I want to stay with him. But what if I just wanted to do that so I'd be freed from the fear stemming from my encounter with Muraki?
Everything's too complicated. I don't want to deal with all this. I just want to go to sleep....
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