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After his shield broke. After I hurt him pretty bad. Perhaps starting at the beginning would be better...if I can pinpoint it. I've written before about how we've been getting closer. He admitted his feelings for me, but was waiting for me to do the same. I was too nervous to really tell him the first time, but I whispered it to him in his sleep. The next day at work he completely avoided me. All day. I didn't understand why. With his wall up I couldn't get a sense of how he felt. I began to think that maybe he was tossing me aside because I was starting to love him. Everyone else in this office seems to love him, and he doesn't give them a second look. Why should I be any different? That thought hurt more than I want to admit. I worked up the nerve to confront him. I hid the pain behind anger. We got into an arguement. It was all my fault. I wouldn't listen. Apparently he had heard my confession, and that just made it worse. Why would he avoid me if he knew? He tried to explain. I said something to him...something about kisses being another way to lie...and he took it completely the wrong way. I'd only seen him so angry a few times before. He stormed out without another word. I didn't go to work. Instead, I chose a perch in one of the sakura trees where I could reflect. Tatsumi found me there. He listened to my explaination, then basically ordered me to go apologise. I had known that I would need to do that. I found Tsuzuki in the library, still in a bad mood, but more pained and less furious. I apologised sort of quickly, worried that he might walk away. He listened to my apology, but I kept babbling anyway. I admit, I was desparate for him to understand...and not reject me. I told him how much it hurt to not be able to feel the warmth that came with his emotions. I apologised for not being able to overcome the feeling of mistrust ingrained in me through years of hatred. His wall came down. He hugged me, kissed me, and told me that he loved me. Then I told him. It was about that time that we realised that everyone in the library was staring at us. And that mostly ended this latest problem. He forgave me. He still loves me, and he knows I love him. I'm disgusted with myself though. I gave in to stupid insecurities. I actually admitted my fears, not only to Tsuzuki, but Tatsumi as well. And the way I felt at the thought of being abandoned.... I've gotten too used to having a friend. It's making me weak. Before I died, no one could have gotten past my walls. Then I met Tsuzuki, and he pulled me out of my self-imposed isolation. I don't think I could handle it if he left me. At best I'd become nothing but a shell, hiding from the pain. The worst thing about it all is that I really want to trust Tsuzuki...but I don't know that I can. Not because of him...this is my fault too. I know that I can trust him...but on another level...an irrational voice drips poison in my ear, reminding me of my past, and holding me back. The short time I've been a shinigami has not been enough to counteract how I lived for sixteen years. I'm trying. I want to be able to trust him like I told him I did. I need to find a way to show him that I'm trying. Post a comment in response: |
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