nothing. . .
Well I've cleaned the house up. it sparkles. . . I'm still bored though. Watari is still messing with something in his room. I haven't bothered him about it and actually in fact I haven't bothered him much except to eat some stew or have some tea with me. I know I should just like ask him if he wanted to do something like play a card game or watch TV but I just can't bring myself up to it. I mean I should be able to and all but maybe I'm just afraid that since I'm so depressed then he won't want to be around me so he doesn't have to be so bad. I'm the one that told him that I would take my punishment and to just drop it. He wanted to fight for me not being suspended but I just told him not to. I didn't want him to. I knew that not coming out with the truth was wrong and sneaking into their apartment was wrong too. But Watari asked me to find Tsuzuki and give him that donut and I figured that is where he would be since I couldn't find a sign that he had followed Hisoka into work. I mean no one told me to go there so that was my fault.
You know I wonder if Hisoka just hates me. I mean it wouldn't surprise me at all if he does. or even if he IS jealous. I mean I knew that he and Tsuzuki had something going on from the first time I met them but I just let my silly feelings get in the way and just went after Tsuzuki. I was stupid for that. Yes it was a crush and maybe I did feel something more but deep down I knew it wouldn't work. Tsuzuki loved Hisoka and I think Hisoka was just in denial. I've been so stupid lately. I can see that I shouldn't have gotten between them but I just acted rash I guess. and now Hisoka proably hates me. I mean yes I don't like him that much but I still want to be his friend even after everything. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately is why I'm saying this. I mean what's the matter with me? I use to not be like this. I'm just acting like someone that's tough and strong when I know that this is not me. I rather just be a mellow guy and think about things before I react but I haven't been that person. I've been jealous I guess. yes I admit it. I'm jealous of Hisoka. He can act cool in any situation (excluding that shooting of the camera when Muraki send pics of Tsuzuki naked ;;; ) and he knows what he's doing. he's right. I'm being a brat. . . and I don't want that. . . . . I want to be someone who everyone can trust, depend on, come to when they need help and all of this because I can handle it like an adult. I died when I was 19 I mean. . . I should start acting it. I'm just throwing two year old tanturms and that's not how I should be. I was stupid to be worrying over stupid things and I need to realize that I have people that care about me and I care about them but I need to listen to what they need. I guess taking this week off is starting to make me realize that I need to change some things. and for the better
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