| Current mood: | sore |
| Current music: | Siam Shade - Tears I Cried |
stained. . .
It seems that ever since the mission to deal the demon portal, everything has been going down. I was being cold and distant to Watari. I didn't mean to though but atleast I wasn't mean about it. I mean we did cuddle and everything like we use to but I just didn't feel comfortable doing anything else. I also still feel bad I wasn't there for him. He kept asking me if I was mad at him but how can I be mad at him if it was my fault. . . anyways. Not to long after we got back I started to get really bad headaches. Don't know why but I broke down and asked Watari for something to help. That didn't go to well. . . I ended up with Hisoka's hair color and then a punch in the face from Hisoka as well. That last one was due to the fact I lost my mind basically. . . . I didn't realize what I had done but I um. . . kissed Hisoka. Hence I got hit. I don't blame him or anything. I feel bad for it and I still haven't apoligized for that. I was out most of the day and didn't get to tell him before we had to leave.
yeah leave. . . we left on a mission. Orders from up above you can say. Apparently an abandoned lab of Muraki's was found and they needed Watari to investigate. I went out while he was at the lab to inquire to the local neighbors. Nothing came up till I was in alley way. The cursed flared up. It hurt more then it usually did so I knew Muraki was close. He knew too for the next thing I knew I had been captured and tied up. I awoke to Watari sitting down in front of him looking at me in wanting to help me. Muraki was using me to make Watari do him a favor. . . Muraki had the body of Tsuzuki. . . he wanted Watari to make it come to life. . . and if he didn't I was to be hurt or he would be hurt. Watari complied not wanting me to suffer but Muraki showed me what pain was like again. . .
He cut me open right in front of Watari when Watari was trying to sabotoge his project. Watari gave me a fast heal potion but it was having trouble keeping up. I can still feel the knife on my skin as he retraced my curse over and over making it deeper after I started to heal. He said that I was a replacement till his real "doll" came along. I knew he was talking about Hisoka. I took as much as I could. I even had to play on a violin for him but I was fed up and threw it breaking it. He wasn't pleased with this. . . .
He went to go check on Watari's progress and sent one of his lackies to skrew me and kill me if they wanted since I can't die a mortal death. . . Muraki left and the guy ripped off the sheets on me and started to touch me trying to pin me and I grabbed the bow of the violin and stabbed him with it. I could feel his warm blood drip onto my hands. I pushed him off and he was dead. I killed him. . . .Konoe-san said he was due in a couple of weeks anything but I took his life. I didn't feel remorse when I did it either. . . . I didn't mean to kill him I was just tired of being raped over and over again by Muraki as it was and I didn't want another one to touch me. . .
Watari make it out safe and was badly injured after he tried to get me out of there but Muraki wasn't happy that I killed one of his men. He touched me again and stabbed me, pinning me to the bed with bits from the violin. . . thankfully Tatsumi-san and Hisoka came and he gave up on me. Tatsumi-san was the one that helped get me back . . . he had too. I lost too much blood and everything that Muraki did to me made me slip. . . shinigami can die and it's said that their death is cold and dark with nothing but nightmares as you are just there but not. . . I slipped and almost wasn't able to come back. The cold over took me. . . I never want to die like that. I want to finish and then be able to go on with Watari. I feel sorry for all the others that are trapped in the darkness. it was a neverending maze watching everything around you die just because you are there. it's like purgatory I guess you can say but you will never get out. I was lucky that I was saved by Hisoka, Wakaba, and Tatsumi-san. They didn't give up on me.
I awoke to find out what happened to Tsuzuki. I remember seeing him stab Muraki with his own hand . . . in a living body. . . his living body. he looked the same but with white hair. after that I don't remember what happened since I grew cold then. I found out later that he had to die again and now he's back to normal. I don't know how they were able to kill him and get him out of that body but somehow it was done.
Watari and I are on sick leave though. I'm still weak from everything and my body can't heal as fast as Tsuzuki and Hisoka's. Watari is worrying over me a lot too. I don't want him to have that fear that I will be hurt. and I never want to ever see him hurt either. I worried about him right now more then ever. He had some major injures and he's not taking it easy cause he just wants to stay by my side and watch over me. I got him to sleep though at least but I need to hurry and get better so he'll relax.
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