| Current mood: | indescribable |
mind racing. . .
Well I don't know if Takara will be up to his same old tricks concerning Watari and I since the person who employed him was Muraki. We found out thanks to Tsuzuki punching straight through him and injuring him very badly, that Takara had had his eyes removed and were replaced with mechanical ones like the one he has himself. I guess Muraki used them to also watch us whenever Takara was near any of us . . . the pictures didn't suffice I guess. . . also Muraki placed some kind of spell on Takara cause he doesn't remember what he's been doing for a while now. I guess I can't be mad at him because it was Muraki's doing. And Muraki is behind this because Takara told us under his spell and also Muraki sent me an email. . . Hisoka figured that Takara proably gave it to him cause I don't know how he got it otherwise. . . he said I would play my violin to the death march for those who will be gone forever. . . I don't know if he meant me but I doubt it. I just have this feeling but I worry for the others. . . he keeps going after Tsuzuki as it is, then Hisoka pissed him off big time by destroying that head thing back in Kyoto and then . . . he said he was disappointed in me for being with another . . . he sent me on to be with Tsuzuki as Tsuzuki's servant or to just make Tsuzuki pissed or maybe both. . . so I fear for Watari. . . Muraki is insane. . . and he will do stuff to make things go his way. . . I can remember what he use to do to me when I wouldn't play my violin for him. . . Tsuzuki and Hisoka are suppose to be leaving today to go and face him. . . I pray that they return home. . .
Watari is worried about me now I guess. . . I can see him glancing over at me seeing me look sad as I write this. . . I must look pathetic. I mean here I am suppose to be older now which will wear off anytime now (Hisoka is back to normal but because of my slow healing I'm staying like this a bit longer I guess) and act older. I felt older and more proud but I'm turning back into that scared kid again. . . I need to stop this. I shouldn't show my fear to others and learn to face my fears. I care very much for everyone and I need to be strong for them and myself. especially Watari. . . I need to be strong for him. show no fear and be there to tell him it's alright. . . I mean I'm so weak that the other day when I could hear all the office workers snickering over some new photos that had Watari and I being together with private moments I just snapped. . . .I think I scared him but I just couldn't see straight. . . I need to control my emotions. . . and just ignore those people.
I also showed my weakness to Watari yesterday. . . He wasn't able to come home the night before because he needed to run more tests and stay with Takara. I went home and it seemed so dark and cold. . . I was lonely. . . I didn't go back to the lab and stayed with Watari like I should have. . . no I jsut stayed at home sitting in the dark thinking about him. I couldn't even sleep I missed being with him. . . he brings me such great warmth cause I can feel how much he cares for me. and . . . I'm sounding pathetic again.
Watari last night surprised me. He missed me a lot too that night and he came up behind me while I was finishing dinner and hugged me tightly. he didn't want to let go and neither did I. After dinner though I went to go take a shower. . . I had grabbed clothes that were small and went to go change but I thought Watari was in his room. . . . He was in the living room and he saw me with the towel just wrapped around me waist. He came up to me and embraced me and after I had asked and he said he wanted to see me, I just dropped the towel and the clothes I had. . . I could feel the flush on my cheeks and they reddened as he told me I was beautiful. He laid me on the couch and did what I wanted to do to repay him the other night. . . he said he had dreamed of doing it to me and last night he held me close. I think I was trembling. He's seen me just as I am. how vulnurable I am and who I am. I'm glad I could show him myself though. I better get back to work for I'm blushing and I think that everyone might get suspious.
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