First, if you are expecting an email from me (S &K that would be you), I'm working on it ;) I'm just a little bit on the spaced-out side of things.
So, I took my second dose of Effexor last night. I'm not sure if it is contributing to my insomnia or not. I took it around 11 pm and then didn't get to sleep until 2-something. I woke up so many fucking times during the night- my blankets were wrong- my pillows were wrong- my life is fucking wrong. Squeeze eyes together and TRY to sleep. I woke up with no chance of sleeping again at 6:45 and lay curled up in a little ball and starred at the blank mauve-white wall in front of me for half-an-hour.
I went grocery shopping first thing with my father. I wandered down each and every isle picking up items I have no desire to eat. None. I have NO appetite, even less than when I would take massive Dexedrine/dilaudid cocktails.
I binged and purged in the morning yesterday, but it took effort. By last night, I could barely make it through dinner. I ate a bowl of salad and a cob of corn, I barely got down and oyster- I couldn't touch the salmon- I'm sure it was beautiful, but it looked dead and fleshy. I felt badly about not being able to eat. I warned my parents though. My mother even bought me watermelon because I have no appetite, but I still haven't touched it. I think I like watermelon....
I still bought the bloody binge food though, as disgusting as peanut butter seems, I'm sure I'll want it sometime. I feel like I should be bingeing right now because I know somewhere deep inside of me I am fucking starving.
My weight dropped 2 lbs yesterday (and yes, some of that was water) but I can my body burning away in some hyper-metabolic fury. Lovely. Again, I don't know if that's an effect of the Effexor, or if it is just secondary to the anorexia (not nervosa! the real thing), or if this is just the fever I get every time I go crazy.
I am marveling at this lack of appetite though. I didn't realize how it would be possible for me to not want food. I think constantly about food, and my desire to eat. I am constantly planning what I will eat next, in what order, how long it will take, where and when I will be able to purge, how I am going to eat in various futures, and how I have eaten in the past. Things haven't really changed with regard to the constant thinking; only, I have no desire to actually eat anything right now. My stomach is growling and flipping, and my mouth tastes like metal.
I want to cry because I don't know what to do. I have to b/p and then get stuff done today, but starting the binge seems like an insurmountable task.
I'm also scared I won’t be able to purge. In the Effexor thread at TF three people said they physically lost the ability to purge *blinks* excuse me? For one person it was when they went up to a higher dose after about three weeks.
This is reason enough alone not to take Effexor. I can't live in fear that suddenly I won’t be able to purge. It's not just for vanity’s sake either... not being able to purge one of my binges could be deadly. I would panic. I don't know what I would rather do: die from a gastric rupture, or go to the ER to have them pump my stomach.
I don't know WHY Effexor would cause this either. I have to figure that out (I'm pissed I don't have access to academic journals right now between semesters!).
Can you not puke at all? no... vomiting is a side-effect. What if you were poisoned? Say by Ipecac?
I know Ipecac is deadly and blaa blaa blaa... but I wouldn't actually abuse it (I figure I have suffered enough "punishment" by having parts of my body ripped to shreds- I don't really feel the need to vomit the contents of my small intestine because I'm feeling a peeved with myself). I really think that I should get some Ipecac. I don't even know if I can get it though. I may as well paint "Bulimic" on my forehead if I'm asking for Ipecac. There will be no convincing a pharmacist that I was told to get it for my kid. They will give me activated charcoal if I tell them that. Charcoal will make me puke... god, even just thinking about it makes me nearly puke... but it would add more bulk to my stomach and take awhile if I could even bring myself to drink it. I want the syrup. just to be safe.
I don't want to be on the Effexor, but I don't have any other choice. There is an SNRI that I might be able to convince a doctor to give me (because it's not off label for depression, unlike the SNRI in the states). I refuse to take any more SSRI's because something has been wrong with all three I have taken (Prozac made me bad manic and suicidal, and Paxil was like an abusive lover- I spent more time lying in the bathtub turning the water pink on Paxil than I thought was humanly possible without finally running out of blood). I hate Wellbutrin even though everyone else in the world seems to love it, and I don't even care to bother with TCAs at this point, nor any of the other similar drugs. Really, it is time to give Effexor ago. Supposedly it is good for non-responders, which would be my group of people.
But if it doesn't work- it has the worst discontinuation syndrome around! Hurray! I'm so fucking thrilled to hear that, because it's been proven I have absolutely no sensitivity to discontinuation of medication. I reacted to flipping Prozac! Paxil was a nightmare. And now, I'm going to have to get off Effexor eventually. All I can say is I have no choice but to be as responsible as possible with this med. I want it to work. I don't want it to make me even more suicidal than I already am.
I think I'll go try to eat and puke now or I am going to get really fucking sick.
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