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HE LOVES ME! HE LOVES ME HE LOVES ME HE LOVES ME HE LOVES ME HE LOVES ME!!!
I had a dream last Monday night wherein he said "I love you", I said "I love you too" and he said "Gee, that wasn't so scary." So since my dreams are often prophetic, I had resolved to ask him if he loved me. It took until yesterday morning when he was about to leave after a hella crazy afterparty for me to work up the nerve to ask him. I gave him the option to say no, to which he replied "I can't say that." He said he'd talk to me later about it and left.
WELL! Last night he called around 10pm. At first everything was cool, and then he brought it up. He said I caught him off guard with the question. That was followed by silence. I felt like I was paralyzed; I had a million and a half things I wanted to say but found myself completely incapable of saying anything. He asked me what I thought love was and I said I didn't know. A few minutes later, I just broke, poured my black little heart out to him, spilled everything.
That was pretty much how it went; huge chunks of pained silence interspersed with tearful questions and statements. He said that he's loved me for a while but just hasn't said anything, which is funny because that's exactly how I've felt. I told him that he's the only person I'd stay in Philly longer for and that I want to stay FOR him, not BECAUSE OF him. We got to the point where we both realized that it wouldn't work in the long run; even if I stay another year, it wouldn't matter because he's going off to college in the fall. I've come to the conclusion that our love is terrifying because we know we're going to have to let go of each other.
Ours is a bittersweet revelation. We love each other, but are doomed to separate because of our futures.
<--extra. sharp. cheddar.
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