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Heart For Rent (heartforrent) wrote,
@ 2004-07-12 18:23:00
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    Current mood: restless
    Current music:Sublime

    Fuck it all
    I don't really know where to start. I've been feeling in between a rock and a hard place. I asked Dave if he cared about me enough to stop smoking. He said no. His excuse? "It's not like we've been going out for years and years or anything." Maybe by our third or fourth anniversary he'll finally fall in love with me....

    I don't like how the year we went out in highschool can matter or not matter, depending on if it's convenient for him or not. Like with that whole smoking thing. That year didn't matter. It was a completely different thing. But I'm not allowed to hang out with boys because of what happened in that year....

    But he's allowed to go out and smoke pot with girls. And sleep over their houses. And go to the beach with them for the weekend. How is that fair? I have to care enough about the relationship to not do anything that would make his heart hurt, but he can do whatever he wants, even if it tears me up inside?...

    I was contemplating just being friends. But what would that solve? I love him. No matter how much I try to deny it. I. Love. Him. I want to be with him. I just want him to feel the same way about me. And then we come back to that whole, maybe there's something wrong with me thing. And that's why he can't care about me more than a fucking joint.

    I don't know why I feel so angry about it. Why did he get into this relationship if he wasn't willing to put his all into it? I think I'm just an added bonus to him. He'll keep me around as long as he doesn't have to work at it...

    I truly do feel like he doesn't care about me. There's nothing that I can say or do to get him to listen to me. I could not talk to him for 3 weeks. He wouldn't care. I could probably slit my own wrists, and he'd just say 'oh' as long as he could still get high.

    I don't even know what to do anymore. He just doesn't care. This relationship isn't going anywhere. And it never will.....


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