| Current music: | Anthony Green//First Day Of Work At The Microscope Store |
Shit got pretty crazy huh?
Now I've got to go back and deal with it.
Fuck.
I really wish it weren't so. I wish that I could stay here with my new identity and out-of-service cell phone, and continue to live paused in time. It's so quiet and peaceful here. All I have are my own issues to deal with, they're not lost under everyone elses more serious in-your-face-deal-with-right-now-or-die issues. I feel like I could have really sorted myself out.
But who am I trying to kid? I was built strong enough to handle myself much more efficiently than I did, I just had a moment where I wedged open the doors and let it all in. I didn't care anymore what happened to me. I was on a freefall, ready to float away and drown. I abandoned a ship that wasn't sinking, just because I was tired of the relentlessness of the same old bullshit. The same old me.
Here I am, washed ashore, anew and I can be anyone.
Now I just sit here afraid.
I fear that I haven't really gotten my head on straight yet, and that I might just dive in right where I left off.
All I have to take back with me are a few new pieces of work I can focus on, that I'm already bored with might I add, and a few new ideas that I'm still excited to try out...and I really hope that'll be enough to hold me over until the next distraction lands in my lap.
I need to finish school. I need to talk to someone that can help me sort things out because I can't make this decision on my own. There are a million things I would like to do. What would I love to do? I can't commit because I worry over wasting time... and being unhappy in the end...so here I sit twiddling my thumbs contemplating.
But the truth is, is that I can't picture myself happy....ever, with anything.
I could be on top of the world and not trust it, waiting for it to crumble out from underneath my weight.
I need to get on antidepressants. I mean, wth, I wanted to be a psychologist longer than any other of the majors I've choosen over the past 5 years and yet I've put off with dealing with my own depression for years now. That's pretty fucking textbook right there.
I'm fucking terrified of living with my aunt again and what's worse is that this time it'll be in her old house. It's going to wreck me when it sinks in. Sure the floors and walls were rebuilt but the whole fucking place screams of Katie whenever I close the front door behind me. I'm going to let that crawl in underneath my skin, and this coming winter is going to be the worst challenge.
I love my aunt and we get along swimmingly, but we feed off each others depression and overall general dislike for the human race.
I can't keep pushing along like this. I need to belong somewhere already, for fuck's sake.
Also, the idea of going back and having to see all those same fucking faces...really, I just don't want to. Being here has really allowed me to take a step back...and wouldn't you know it? I really can't stand most of those people. The hidden agendas, the displaced sense of importance they all carried around...it makes me sick.
I'm contemplating getting a new cell number and just digging into life in Redford. I can go figure myself out at OCC in Royal Oak, and hope for the fucking best.
To think, this time last year I spent about a whole entire week waking up with considerable amounts of energy before 2pm. Yeah, well I'm still uncertain, but it seems to be another case of hidden agenda that ALMOST fooled me. He was pretty sly.
Actually, some days it still fools me...whatever. The feeling is compacting into the small, indestructable stone it was meant to be. Just another to cast into the vast empty shadows.
I sleep until 3:30 again.
I knew a successful escape was too good to be true.
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