| Current mood: |  contemplative |
| Current music: | Pedro The Lion/When They Really Get To Know You They'll Run |
I have come to terms with having an addictive personality.
Living far from everyone I know, I have no reason to lie, to hid from the shame of the shameful things I have done. I can look myself in the eye until I focus on what needs to change.
I know I say that I don't believe in anything anymore, and that is only partially true.
I do believe in the value of love. I know that everything is only a reaction, but that doesn't take away from all the great things that love can make happen. There is still human in here somewhere.
I've really been losing my human element. I've been losing my abilities to feel most emotions, but thats only because I haven't been in any situations that would provide them. I feel abandonment because I have abandoned everyone. I believe that when you haven't felt a certain way in so long, its much harder to recognize that feeling as it does happen. I should have taken a moment to register myself with myself. I feel disappointment because I really fucked things up with someone that would have been kick ass to have around. He was probably what I have been waiting not so patiently for for the past 4 years, and I really went ahead and made sure he would want nothing to do with me.
Why did I do that?
Because I am warped and scared shitless of being close to another person.
Why am I scared?
Because I am always a let down to other people, and I am tired of being left behind when I am no longer good enough.
I know I have to find a way to like myself in order to like other people the right way.
I said and did things to him that just doesn't make sense at all.
As soon as I found out that I really liked him, it was like a switch flipped on in my brain and I became a completely different person. One that doesn't know how to be nice, or how to take a compliment let alone give one. I did and said the opposite of everything I wanted to do. Was I testing him? Perhaps I was, but what enforced me to carry on in such a manner was that I already knew he was going to leave me, and I was angry.
He leaves. Thats his thing...and that is the thing that cripples me. It was really the worst possible combination I can think of and at the worst possible timing.
Maybe the Earth was testing me, to see if I was ready. To see if I had made the changes necessary in maintaining a healthy relationship.
So I fell in prelove with someone perfect in everyway except that he was prone to wanderlust.
Things could have been so much different if just one of the dozen details were changed. If he didn't put in for a transfer a couple weeks before he met me, if I hadn't enrolled in too many credits, if I had gone to pick him up the one time he asked, if I had just dropped all my classes and ran when asked, if I had just paid the 5 dollars at luna and watched the shitty cover band I would not have gone to Gusolines in the first place. if if if if if if mother fucking if.
I really tire of ruining my own life. There is no recovering this time. He's gone and I will wait another 200 years until I find someone on the same wavelength.
In the mean time I have completely adopted everything I know about his lifestyle. I mean really. It's fucked up and if I weren't completely alone I would be rather ashamed. I read the same authors, listen to the same music, acquire the same addictions... I should get a rainbow colored 'W.W.C.D.' wristband to wear around my wrist.
Addictive personality.
Doors were just opened and I am thankful for it.
I'm always searching for a truth, and it's nice to wear someone elses and yes, it calms my screaming veins. They are suffocating and I'm pretty sure they hate me right now. My heart wants to rope up all the arteries and veins and just abandon this fucking metallic warehouse.
I am going to make changes here. I am going to learn to listen to people when they talk.
I used to do that just find. Now, not so much.
I need to pay attention to details and forget the forest.
Big pictures are made beautiful by the care taken in it's details.
I am going to concentrate. Whenever I feel the static rolling in, I will shake it back. I will turn the music down, take the headphones off my head, turn the fan to a softer hum. When I find myself too over/underwhelmed I will take the short trip to the ocean. I could sit on the sand and stare at it for hours. Everything makes a certain kind of sense then and I am renewed slightly. I can get up and walk away in the dark smiling, and mean it. The ocean can't make everything wrong right, but it gives me hope and helps me feel less alone in my heart.
People all come with the desire to stare at a body of water. We are together in our desire to want to experience something so beautiful and so unobtainable. Perhaps we all just want to go back from whence we came.
I feel united then and I smile at people and feel like myself, and not Wednesday Adams, which is a very promising thing.
I think I will go to Santa Monica Monday and watch the sea birds play tag with the ocean.
I'm embarrassed that I was so adamant about getting closure. and also a little annoyed that he called it that in the first place. I think I'm doing alright now only because he actually responded to me for a change. I'm sure it will sink in later that he said he was finished with me.
I did it to myself, so that's who I will change.
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