Marie (heart_paperthin) wrote, @ 2009-02-20 14:59:00

I find that my feelings are the most honest at that thin smokey line between sleep and being awake. Feelings are no longer accompanied by thoughts during that time. They are pure, unrestrained, and all consuming.
Lately, I've been terrified. Not only of leaving, but being the farthest away that I can be without leaving the country. Not only being the farthest way, but the farthest away and entirely alone.
However, I wake up in the late afternoon, the vertigo dissipates and I realize that I've felt this way for a couple years now; I am that thin smokey line between sleep and being awake. I need to choose one over the other.
I used to have my mother to turn to.
I had to tell her twice that my grandmother has died.
If she's incapable of retaining information of that magnitude, how could I ask her to listen to my pathetic concerns?
My sisters, my aunts, even my best friend, yawn when I open my mouth. Yet they feel they can pass judgement when I begin to stumble in the streets in search for something greater, something that listens.

I'm struggling now, but I perfer the struggle against being docile; being sessile; attached to one spot.
I was recently told to stop helping my family and by people that are entirely dependant on their families. The hypocricy made me gag, the irony floored me. Now, I'm just going to get up and walk away, because the humor is likely to kill me.
I need out of this radius and to float about in even greater circles.
The circle used to be the shape that scared me most. I've accepted it since. Life is one huge repeating round-about. The world is what you make it, and mine is meaningless. I mean that in positive terms of course. Meaningless, so I'm going to get out there and do whatever the fuck I want until I'm meaninglessly rotting in the meaningless ground. Inbetween I will find some personal truths. Something that is my own that will help me cope with the empty. What's so wrong with empty? I will not embrace a religion in order to fight it off; in order to cope with the loneliness. I will embrace the void; I will run with it; turn it inside out; wear it over my body.
What difference does it make that all emotions are just chemical reactions that evolved over millions of years to help one survive and reproduce? Round-about. Be with whatever person makes those reactions the most intense. Release those endorphins; get that high; go through that withdrawl when they leave you, and then do it all over again. Round-about.
Relish in the void; I will frolic in it.

"Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying and absolutely vile!" - Kurt Vonnegut

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