| Current mood: |  contemplative |
Bleh...
I knew I shouldn't have checked my Friendster, but i just had to find out why in the blue heck the Philippine's Secretary of Defense was adding me of all people. It's possibly a fake account as the only 2 times I've been in proximity to the guy was during the PMA graduation in Baguio where I got sunburned; and the most recent one being during Navy Day where he was proxy to GMA.
But 'twas not him that made it a bother. As with all regrets, one only needs a single catalyst to overflow the surge of one's distraught. While checking my account, it was unavoidable that I would browse certain people in my list. Among them, two ladies stood out like a bad acupuncture needle placement.
I found myself re-viewing Cris' account. Curse the Fates for the little time I was able to work with her. She has the distinction of being the most recent muse to my colorless life... albeit a long long while back. I had summarily decided that my affections for her were blind. With the aforementioned short time I had to acquaint myself with her, it was impossible for me to determine exactly who she was; let alone who she is now.
What little details I noticed of her character, I can only presume I bloated out of character; seeing her as, and I quote, "the one." I could actually, if not deludedly, imagine holding her in my arms as our daughters ran around in a park. A portion of my mind was nagging at me, telling me not to let her go. But then the logic kicked in: I knew next to nothing about her; she knew even less about me. In what world could a retard like myself hope to win the affections of someone like her? In the movies, of course... where the plot is so twisted it made no factual sense. There, at least, I could run into her in a coffee shop, catch up, and start an actual relationship.
Curse the silver screen.
And of course, how can I not take a gander at the one who got away.
Dearest Jenny... I am a blind fool. A blind, self-serving, arrogant fool. If anything, she showed me how i could not see the world as anything beyond what my part in it was. How could someone completely and utterly avoid the kindness a girl like her gave? Well I did.
Whatever excuse I come up with, it doesn't change the fact that it was my ineptitude that now haunts the very fiber of my being; the shard in my defenses; the void. She was there, she was smiling... Not only did I ignore her, I was too afraid to try. And in my cowardice, I pushed her away.
What Jenny thinks of me, I can only guess. But for sure, she sees me as a fool. Of course, she'd be completely right.
Two failures, the worst I've ever made in my life, and I can't even do anything about it.
Pathetic.
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