| Current mood: | devastated |
| Current music: | Rise, Azure Ray. On a Bad Day, Kasey Chambers. |
he never lies to me.
and this case was no exception.
I was so excited about the progress i'd seen with F last time I was with him. we still weren't an item or anything of that nature, but he was definitely showing a heightened interest in me and making sure he was affectionate towards me. i was so hopeful.
and now i'm pretty devastated.
i called him today to see if he could hook up for a bit today. he said he couldn't. he was hanging out with his ex girlfriend later in the day. and that was when my heart just hit the floor. HER. this is the girl that hurt him bad enough that he went on hiatus from dating and worked for months to get over. and apparently it didn't work. he told me we had to be put on hold b/c he thought they might get back together. and i instantly started crying but didn't let him know that. he said he was sorry and hoped i wasn't upset. right, as if that was at all possible. on one hand now i hope she hurts him all over again so he learns his lesson. on the other, i care about him a lot and i want him to be happy. on one hand, i should be happy that things didn't go further and then maybe he would have left me for her or something. on the other, i feel like i've been majorly played and i feel like things should have gone further. i could just say fine, and walk away and have nothing to do with him. but if i'm not at least friends with him, then i have truly wasted the last 6 or 7 months of my life getting to know him.
i don't know what to do. i mean. i don't know. if he'd just not said anything about it i might feel better. if he'd lied i might feel better. if i'd never given him that second chance i might feel better. i don't know. i do know that i can sit here and call him every name i can possibly think of but the fact is when she does hurt him again and he calls me, i'll be there for him to talk to and whatever else because that's how i am when i care about a person. i'll give him yet another chance to screw me over.
i hate this. every time i open myself up to a person i get hurt. and yet people still ask why i never open up. this folks, is why. why didn't i realize i had feelings for him sooner and tried to build it sooner. why did i ever get involved with him again in the first place. why did i have to slip and let my feelings get involved. why does she have to come back now. why do i not feel like this is over why do i not want it to be. why didn't he just make up some bull excuse as to why we couldn't be involved anymore. why. why. why. why do i feel like i've had my heart thoroughly broken. yet again. why.why.why.
because he never lies to me.
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