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Mell (hailthelostsoul) wrote,
@ 2005-05-01 23:29:00
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    Here are some rather bizarre home remedies that, I'm sure I don't have to tell you, are ones you *might* not want to try... but they're rather amusing:

    If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be removed almost instantly.

    Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

    Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.

    High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

    A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

    If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

    Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

    You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

    The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

    Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

    Never pass up an opportunity to go potty.

    If You woke up breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!

    And Finally... be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!







    "Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the phone?"

    "No, Daddy. She's up stairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

    Brief pause.

    Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

    "Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."

    "Uh, OK then...." Daddy says, "...here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."

    "Okay Daddy!"

    A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

    "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

    "And what happened?"

    "Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell downstairs and she's not moving anymore."

    "I'm sorry you had to see that, honey. What about 'Uncle Frank'?"

    "He jumped out the back window into the swimming pool... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water for Winter, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either."

    Long pause.

    Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 597-7039?""Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the phone?"

    "No, Daddy. She's up stairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

    Brief pause.

    Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

    "Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."

    "Uh, OK then...." Daddy says, "...here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."

    "Okay Daddy!"

    A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

    "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

    "And what happened?"

    "Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell downstairs and she's not moving anymore."

    "I'm sorry you had to see that, honey. What about 'Uncle Frank'?"

    "He jumped out the back window into the swimming pool... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water for Winter, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either."

    Long pause.

    Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 597-7039?"




    "When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up.

    What with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average, despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!

    And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

    But, now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-three, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

    They've got it so bloody easy!

    I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in an utopia!

    I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have "The Internet". If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!

    And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen and paper! And then we had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

    And there were no MP3s or Napsters. You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up.

    We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances!

    And we didn't have any new age Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600 and Commodore 64! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked! To top it off, your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen...forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!

    When you went to the movie theatre there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same bloody height, if a tall guy sat in front of you, you were SOL!

    And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 13 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

    And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... D'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for two hours of cartoons.

    That's exactly what I'm talking about! Kids today have got it too easy. They wouldn't last five minutes back in 1985!"


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