December 16, 2003
Boring. That is my life. Boring. I sit around all day and mean nothing to everything in my life that means something to me. I feel like no one gives a damn whether I'm alive or dead. I might as well be dead? I don't accomplish anything and I don't help anyone and I don't have anyone to really live for?. No one loves me more than they are obligated to love me. Obligation. My life is so full of obligation. Obligation to love is the worst thing ever. I love because I am obligated to love. The only people I love sincerely only love me back out of obligation. Its bullshit love. I could die tomorrow and I can count the number of people it would affect on my fingers. It makes me depressed to a point? and it makes me wonder why I even try. Why do I try to live life in a good and fulfilling way? Why not just live how I want to live?. It makes no difference to anyone. I've never really lived? it would be fun to try out life and see how it rides. Living just for me? no one out there to stop me, and the only people I would allow in my life would be those who knew me and loved me for me - no bullshit love allowed. But, I can't do that. I never will be able to. Too much bullshit love holding me down. I hate it? detest it?. Loathe it. I wish someone, anyone, would come into my life and pull me out of it? pull me into their world and teach me how to live life. Take me away and rescue me from this hell I'm in. My father would kill whoever rescued me. Kill them for taking away his power that he disguises as love. He uses love as a word that means power? love to control me? love to keep me under his thumb forever. If someone tried to rescue me? he would kill them, he would kill me?. Maybe not physically kill, but mentally and emotionally kill - he's already more than half way there already when it comes to me. He kills me a little bit more every day. He doesn't know me and he never will. He thinks he does, he thinks he can read my mind and that gives him power. But he can't and he doesn't and he never will. I can only handle this for so long ? and I don't know how long that is. I hope I am stronger than I think I am ? I hope I can hold on until I can get out.