|Current mood:|| loved|
This love has changed my life
Once again, tonight I will fall asleep without those arms I have grown so used to holding me. Not even a phone call to say goodnight, I love you, I can't wait until I can be with you again because he didn't answer the phone. Because that's how it is for me these days. When he's not beside me, I fall asleep seeing his face. Never would I have believed that some sweet-faced video game-playing computer nerd would steal my heart and leave me gasping for breath. But he did, and he continues to every day.
Last night I fell asleep cradled up next to him, his arm thrown over my side, his breath on my neck. I fell asleep with a smile on my face and warm fuzzies in my heart. This morning I awoke after he had gone and suddenly, without him next to me, something happened. As soon as my eyes opened, my hand was grasping my chest, my lungs were struggling to inhale any small amount of air, my bedroom was cloudy and blurry. He was gone. And though he had only left my side for a short while my heart still felt like something was missing. Only the sight of his electric toothbrush and a damp towel hanging in the bathroom calmed my nerves. [And I thought boy things in my apartment would scare me]
This afternoon while in the shower, steam rising all around, of course my mind wandered to him [no, not that way].. why had I woken up like that, and what was it that was making me such a crazy person as of late? Eight weeks together and the starstruck feeling from the beginning has never worn off. Instead, it only grows stronger and more and more deep every day. But sometimes the thought does occur to me, what would I do if he wasn't there? Everything falls apart.. I don't want us to fall apart..
And it occurred to me today more than ever: I am in love with this man. Deeply, madly, head-over-heels in love. There is nothing I wouldn't do for this man. [I even offered to watch his daughter if available when he had an emergency.] For three long years, there was never a thought of settling down, except for once that followed its own course of failure - and how fate has a wonderful way of working out the way it's supposed to. Mostly, though, the idea of perhaps remaining a Ms. forever wouldn't hurt quite as bad as it seemed. After all, living alone is one of my favorite things.. I have my own space, my own rules, my own everything. But then he came along and changed all of that.
At first it took a little while for me to warm up to being part of a couple. Speaking of anything serious or long-term would make me stop talking all together, not to mention any time he would make plans. I knew I liked him, but I wasn't ready for all that serious talk. I know myself, and I was expecting to bail out within a month. [We have made it two. And honey, if you ever read this, know I'm honest and that's one of the reasons you love me. ;)] When I asked him to be my boyfriend all of the best intentions were there, but so was a high level of cynicism and all previous evidence of failures within two to four weeks of their start. So I held my breath and I hoped.
Hope is something that, no matter how much doubt, has always managed to remain a part of my heart and my life. And this is a time when I am so thankful I held out hope that something good would come along for me, because it did, and in ten fold. I can't think of a better man to be in love with and loving at this time, or at any other time in my life, for that matter. I honestly do feel I have met that person I am supposed to be with, and it gives me chills to even type that but it's true, and there's no denying that. [And I have never been one to deny my heart.]
Never before has there been anyone who can make all the hurt, all the pain of the past, all the worries of the week, the bullshit of the day fade away just by looking at his face. He comforts me when I'm hurting, he holds me when I'm angry, he pulls me close when I need to cry. He is my rock, my knight in shining armor, my walking encyclopedia, my venting partner, my smoking buddy, my video game pal, my make-out buddy, my bar hopping honey, my best friend. When I hate the world and I don't want to speak, he makes my hardness soften and breaks down my walls. When I am overwhelmed and stressed out, he makes everything okay. I don't know how he balances me out so well, but he does. And I am thankful every day.
He is my love and my heart, and I am better because I know him. And I know how corny and retarded and sappy that sounds, but I don't care. It's true.
Goodnight, baby. I love you.