| Current mood: |  jubilant |
| Current music: | More in Love with You - Barbra Streisand |
Alive Yet Dead No More
Summer vacation's about to end. I've been thinking about what this break has done to me, both on the physical level, and the personal.
I've most certainly gained weight. I always do. Before Summer 2004 even started I've already promised myself that I would spend these free days in the gym and lose my flabs. I would like to make arthritis my excuse for not being able to fulfill this promise but I know that it wasn't entirely because of that. I'm just too passionate about food (which is rather strange since I don't know how to cook) that I just can't opt to consume leaves and natural sugar for the rest of my life. Food is my life -- that's my excuse.
I will still keep my gym card though, just in case the world suddenly turns upside down and I finally decide to commit myself to work out and abstain from fastfood... forever. I don't believe in impossibilities. It's not part of my vocabulary. No need to wish me luck on that. :P
On a deeper note, Summer 2004 has given me a new perspective in life... in general. Eversince freshman year in college, I've been so glued to my studies that I actually said to myself that I'd probably read books and pass research papers for the rest of my life. That is, if budget allows it. I've always and will always admire those scholars who've committed their lives to feeding their brains. Just like them, I've developed a constant thirst for knowledge as I went through my initial stages in college.
I then built my world around research papers, deadlines, checklists, to-do lists, memos, and filled up planners. Everything was planned, every detail listed down, every end-in-mind mapped out. And it felt great. I felt secure since I would always come out prepared. I mean after all, everything's on my checklist. All I had to do was to cross out every single task and I'd be done for the day.
And I got the one thing a fulltime, committed student like myself would ask for -- good grades. It was like traveling and getting paid for it. I was doing what I loved doing and they'd give me everything I'd ask for in return.
There was a time though when I just felt so tired of it already. I didn't feel happy about good grades anymore, and realized these were all just numbers (or letters) written on a piece of paper. My life felt so dull and so boring since everything has already been planned out that life for me became so predictable. It was like watching a movie for the twentieth time around -- you'd blurt out the script as it goes along without you even realizing it, and you'd impassively wait for the ending you've already memorized by heart.
And so came GenRev Camp, where everything turned upside down, for the better. Yet as I came down from this blissful mountaintop to our old, conflict-ridden valley, I stood face-to-face with my greatest enemies once more -- worry, anxiety, fear. It was like trying your darndest to leave the past behind as it keeps finding ways to get back and haunt your already freed heart.
Thankfully, I was able to overcome the many circumstances and trials that met with me upon arrival. I looked back at how bleak my old lifestyle happened to be before I went through that mountaintop experience, before I realized that sometimes, all you had to do was to just let go. All you had to do was to go home, see what you can repair and if it just doesn't seem to fit, go ahead and forget about it! Sleep on the grass and let the ladybugs crawl to you!
In sum, Summer 2004 has freed me from my planner, my check and to-do list, my already mapped out life, and my alarm clock. It has freed me from worry and uptightness. It has freed me from missing out on the world's most underrated treasures. It has freed me from being alive, yet dead.
Now this one definitely goes to my memory box. :)
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