| Current mood: |  numb |
| Current music: | game night voices |
excuses excuses
I'm so tired I feel drunk... like I cannot stand or move very well on my own. If you were supposed to hear from me in the last month or so ... email, etc. ... I'm sorry if I've been MIA. Not only has my email been slammed with the stupid virus going around (stupid yahoo's storage limit is destroyed by 20+ attatchments a day)... but between school, a new crappy job, and insundry emotional stresses... I just havem't been up to it. Please forgive me. It doesn't mean I hate you... just that replying to you requires coherant thought. And if I volunteered to make you an icon... I promise I will get around to it. I swear.
I'm filled with psycho babble without words... endless sensations without the will or security to voice them. a thousand thoughts and skeletons... truths that burn in the back of my throat... once I thought he was my one green eye one blue... but now I think I was just crazy... needing hope. the spell is only wasted because I don't have any more to give... I don't have any more to take... I feel too broken to want that chance any more... still feeling this deep emotion without any reason or drive.. wanting to let it go... move along... forget about it and just let it be. once I lived another world... where I was a surrogate mother... an older sister... to those who shared my blood... and now I think of living death... the ghosts of growing boys I never know haunting me now and again... family I cannot bear to love for all blood is pain... and that too is why I have no more... want no more... only spirit can be trusted. the ghost of a love hollywood adores... the kind everyone cries over... forbidden and dark... the memories still locked away in chests of pain and horror... like some bad stephen king novel... a broken childhood no-one sees. I'm naught but a corpse cut to pieces... some vampire ... some undead... sewn back and revived... with a giant mask... and sometimes I'm scared someone will see the signs... "out of order, peel here, contents under pressure" and others I want everyone to know... as if by screaming at the top of my lungs about all of my secrets, some weight will be lifted from my shoulders. if you think you know me... and your name is not Rhia or Kharma... I'm sorry dear... I love you I'm sure... but you never knew me... just the mask. the girl I've been and the girl I was are colliding... merging and mixing... pulling and twisting... back and forth... leaving me floating just beneath consciousness. somewhere something has taken over... some preservation instinct... some deeper self... leaving me alternating between lucid hyper prankster asshole and twisted curving artistic dreamer. real Nee... wisdom, kindness, logic, magic, will... lost. so many people think a caterpillar cracks it's skin within the cocoon... that one creature grows slowly into another behind those walls... and it's not true. the two are entirely different creatures. the caterpillar disolves into some primordial soup from which the butterfly ferments... sharing only the basic chromosomes. And so there you have it... I'll be back soon I think... maybe... whenever I'm me again or know who me is... leave me a message...
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