| Current mood: |  scared |
when did I get so bad at this?
when did I get so bad at expressing my true emotions... of saying, "I'm afraid." I am... scared to think of what will happen if the phone call never comes. scared of what will happen after this year... terrified that I won't make it... that I can't make it... that if soon no better chance comes... I'm not going to be able to do this any longer... to hold this together. scared that now I have my true path, I won't be able to stay on it because a person must eat and pay bills... and no-one wants to hire a student without stripping their soul. scared of losing those I love... and I see myself losing them every day. I fear losing her... I fear she might slip away. I fear losing him... even though I'm never sure what I would lose. I fear losing me... feeling like I can't be touched... some foreign object fallen to earth... alien in nature. I feel like Madeline... I don't like that. I fear I'll never like that... that I'll never be ok... that angels will always unnerve me... and one day everyone who never knew will see the the livid scars crisscrossing my heart where I had it removed... that the out of order sign will suddenly turn on... that one morning I won't be able to stop the tears before school... and I will have to go with wet cheeks and soggy eyes... black streaks marring my face. (what's wrong with me? why can't I forget enough to live?) I can't just sit you down and cry... tell you how scared I am... it comes out in my voice when I think I'm being fine... perfectly normal even... and someone gets ill for me being bitchy... and I wonder how I was bitchy... it must be the fear in my voice.
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