| Current mood: |  calm |
| Current music: | Everclear- Everything to Everyone |
i thought this day would never end....
i'm done. finally. i couldn't be more relieved to be done with this day. i bet it has something to do with the fact that i haven't slept since yesterday morning. whoops. i haven't been sleeping well lately. and i need to. desperately. i need to get my sleeping pattern back to semi normal....even if it kills me. right now, my life feels like my old art teacher's definition of the word juxtaposition. he always used to say that it was when you have two works of art in the same piece, but they don't belong together. say for instance, a painting with bell peppers and screwdrivers. two completely random objects or ideas put together, side by side. that's how i've been feeling lately. my life is a random jumble of bell peppers and screwdrivers. it works. i feel a little confused, a little heartbroken, a little naive', a bit michievious, slightly giddy, anxious, worried, guilty, eager, nervous, scared, disappointed, and at the same time, even a little hopeful. yes. there's a little glimmer of hope in between all of that. i don't know how i found it, but i know it's there. there has to be. thank god for dims. she left me a message yesterday and i feel stronger. i honestly do. it's amazing what that girl can do to me. she doesn't even have to be around. words. her words alone make me stronger. q- i miss you. more than ever.
so, i saw him today. i was walking to class as was he. i admit, as first i thought about walking ALL the way around. why? maybe because i thought he'd be uncomfortable. i honestly did. but, we walked right by each other, with a casual, maybe even friendly "hi" and that was that. i'd like to think that i saw a smile from him. but maybe that's just me. maybe i was hoping for one. anything from him to let me know that he doesn't hate me. something that tells me that he understands and that he wants to be friends with me just as much as i do with him. anything! *sigh* i don't hate him and i don't want him to hate me. even though we can't be together in the same way that we were a few days ago, i don't see why we can't still hang out. then again, it's like i said earlier. am i being too selfish in asking for all these things? he needs time. i know he does. there i go. tara- you're being selfish. leave things be. i just called him and told him that i had his tri-pi shirt all washed and ready to give back to him if he wanted it, to which he calmly replied, is it that time? what time, i asked. time to give back each other's things....the heartbroken but still beautiful boy said. even if that time does come, there's no way that will happen. i could never give back everything he's given me. and for the two of you reading, i'm sure you understand what i mean by that. i'm not just talking about shirts and sweatshirts and keepsakes to hold in my hands. i'm talking about everything he's given me in the past year. i feel foolish for calling. and now, i want to bury my head in the sand.
..............
on a happier note, i'm completely ecstatic for the everclear concert this thursday night. originally, the show was supposed to happen at first ave....then, much to my dismay, i found out that first ave went bankrupt and they had to close. WTF? what about my concert? i was more than a little disheartened, let me tell you. i had my heart set on seeing them. well....yesterday, i was talking to one of the coolest chicks here at csp, angie c. and she and i found out that the show wasn't cancelled- it just relocated to the cabooze....some other music venue, club/bar place that i'd never heard of until recently. woot. so, i'm going. i have a date with me, myself, i, all the everclear fans and art a. himself. what is it about lead singers of bands?
.......................
i'm looking forward to thanksgiving with the family. god. i never thought i'd say that. especially after this summer. it'll be nice to see them again. i miss the days of nonsense conversations and long nights of phase 10. (by the way, i rock that game!) it will be my second home cooked thanksgiving ever and i can't wait.
i'm exhausted and i think i'm going to crash for a few here.
i have no classes tomorrow!!!! :) that makes me smile.
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