| Current mood: |  exhausted |
| Current music: | |
Why do i have to be like this?
You would think that if i knew the problem i'd be able to fix it if i really wanted to.
So then that begs the question, do i really want to?
But why wouldn't i? It doesn't make any sense. Of course i wanna fix it. I want to do everything in my power to make certain that Cole is happy, that i'm happy, and, most important of all, that we're happy together.
So then why do i keep doing this?
Why do i keep reverting back to being unthinking, unfeeling, and self-centered?
I manage to upset him some how. We fight about it. It all comes back to my not thinking about anyone but myself. I cry my eyes out. I say i'll make a conscious effort to step outside myself more often and be considerate.
And then what happens? I half-ass thinking and caring for a few days and then i'm back to the way i was.
I'm putting myself through this. Why is it so goddamned fucking hard for me to just change??
And the hardest part is that last night over the phone i could tell that he was crying too. Because he loves me so much, with all his little heart. And i keep doing this to him. To us.
Thats the worst part.
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