¤wë×wì||×ñëvër×bë×thë×sâmë¤ (fvdyzncounting) wrote, @ 2004-01-02 17:37:00

Current mood:	frustrated
Current music:	Story Of The Year - Razorblades and Cupcakes

"I'll reMeMber THIS, and EvErY word you sAiD.."


What a pretty, shitty afternoon.

Another day of waking up early, babysitting, and now (like usual) sitting on my ass.

I wanna do somethin tonight. Ashley's sposed to call me later, I might make plans w/ her.. but if it's just stayin the night I might pass for now. I NEED SOMETHING ENTERTAINING! lol. I know, begger's can't be choosy.. but c'mon now.

No matter what, this weekend will rock. I'll make sure of it. I wanna go back to school knowing my break was at least decent. Geez..

Last night was so lame. I was already in a bad mood.. the past few day's all I've been doing is worrying and doubting myself. But anyway, I finally got to talk to him.. since I haven't in the past few days. He seemed really sweet, said he missed me, and that he's sorry he couldn't talk for a while cuz he was on restriction. My night seemed to be getting a little better. Until we were jokin around, and ended up bringing the 'hanging out' conversation up again.

He either thinks I don't wanna, or just doesn't care. Sometimes I think he only wants that one thing. I don't want to underestimate him as such an asshole.. but something's gotta give. Why is it important that we hang out alone? And why, whenever we can't (no matter if I have a reasonable excuse or not) he gets upset?

Last night he asked me what I was doing today. I told him babysitting for a while then just hangin out. He said he wanted to come see me.. I told him he couldn't. I thought I explained to him the whole parental situation about me not being able to have guys over the house.. much less when I'm babysitting. He just signed off. No goodbye or anything. Ya, fuck you too.

Seriously though, I'm pretty fuckin sick of it all. Thanks to my last disaster of a relationship, I'm paranoid enough as it is. I feel like a damn welcome mat.. and I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I don't know why I give myself away so easily but it's nothing I can control. And letting him know that has given him the upper hand. Seems like he'll just slap the shit out of me w/ it.. that way I can go through all the hurt and depression again. It's all my fault for being such an idiot.. I just want things to be different.

Maybe I should just be a cold, heartless bitch to every guy that comes along and just give up.
I think there's a better chance of me being happy that way.

Again, sorry for all the complaining. I know nobody wants to hear it, I just gotta do somethin w/ it. Now I'm gonna go again, be back whenever.

<333

Sarah

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