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helz & rkmno's jude law (fuckufuze) wrote,
@ 2003-08-09 15:26:00
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    Current mood: pensive
    Current music:Dashboard Confessional (wow somethings new haha) - Drowning

    These are all from Elizabeth Wurtzel:

    Even worse from the depression itself is the fear I seem to have about never escaping it.

    If you were to find a shattered mirror, find all the pieces, all the shards and all the tiny chips, and have whatever skill and patience it took to put all that broken glass together so that it was complete once again, the restored mirror would still be spider webbed with cracks, it would still be a useless glued version of its former self, which could show only fragmented reflections of anyone looking into it.

    Sometimes, I get so consumed by depression that it is hard to believe that the whole world doesn’t stop and suffer with me.

    The atypically depressed are more likely to be the walking wounded, people like me who are quite functional, whose lives proceed almost as usual, except that they’re depressed ALL the time, almost constantly embroiled in thoughts of suicide even as they go through their paces. – but one that is quite severe and yet still somehow allows an appearance of normalcy because it becomes, overtime, a part of life. Because atypical depression doesn’t have a peak-or, more accurately a nadir – like normal depression, because it follows no logical curve but instead accumulates overtime, it can drive its victim to dismal despair so suddenly that one might not have bothered to attend to treatment until the patient has already, and seemingly very abruptly, attempted suicide. (This is my condition, just to let you know rkmno-my person said that I have definitely gone into severe stage...bye bye computer :/ )

    God do I wish that every psychiatrist I have ever dealt with could know what it’s like to be a patient and to feel desperate. I wish they could know what it’s like to wake up every morning afraid you’re gong to live.

    But just as a little but of knowledge is a dangerous thing, a little bit of energy, in the hands of someone hell-bent on suicide, is a very dangerous thing.

    I don’t know if I’m running because I’m scared or I’m scared because I’m running.

    Very early in my life it was too late

    How can you hide from what never goes away?

    Everything’s plastic, we are all going to die sooner or later so what does it matter?


    Ok so here is my deal:

    I really am trying not to think about killing myself anymore. (and after those pictures last night ya know...the whole kutting thing is kinda scaring me too) But really, yes so I did the other night, and I know I will again, and you, you fuck, fucking lied to me. I hate you for that. At least I tell you. You are a fucking liar but I forgive you haha...I suppose I should forgive you...considering I choked you last night with your purse for doing that shit haha. Well anyways...back to me b/c everything is about me...HAHAHAHAHA. Anyways..

    I can't find any explanation for the reason people are so afraid to die. So I guess what I figure is..It's just the way it's supposed to be. We are suppose to be afraid to die. But I think God picks the people like us, who aren't afraid to maybe like do something about it, ya know? Like do something that people who are afraid to die, can't do. Does that make sence? I was thinking about this deeply last night. Ya know when we were just lying there listening to Brand New. They are amazing. That guys voice is so good.

    Dude Tom said that the only way he'd let you and Pat try out my genius plan (to remind you...they go to pablos and u sneek to his car and you know what to do from there) but he said I'd have to hang out with him then... :/ I don't want to............

    Ok well I'm going to go because I have to do my laundry and finish all these quotes and get ready for church! Adios rkmno...but not for long.

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