| Current mood: |  pessimistic |
| Current music: | Burn-Usher...thats an old favorite....:-/ |
so i should be doing my homework right now...but i really dont feel like it and yea...i haven't updated in a while so i thought i would. im pretty upset right now about......pretty much everything. i really wanted to start this year off good and be a happy, positive person. it seems like i started my year the exact opposite and that really sucks. i am not a happy person....and im very negative. im just soo upset about like....everything. i have nothing to look forward to anymore. i used to look forward to cross country-but now....no. its so ugh. ok-yea...lets do 5 mile repeats today-that sounds like fun...no...or not. yea-we did 3 on the course (including all the hills which was insane) and then we did 2 on the track. its not even fun anymore. ugh....then of course, there's colorguard which i actually was looking forward to.......until today. everyone has decided that they dont wanna agree on anything-which isnt cool. so im kinda in the middle cause i dont really care what we do, as long as we get it done. we have...7 days i think. so i dunno about that. and let's see...thats pretty much all i was looking forward to. i was looking forward to venner until i realized that i CANT sing. and then i became unexcited. i just..i dont like myself...at all. and i feel SOOOO lonely. like-you wouldnt believe. i dont really have any best friends...it kinda sucks. i dont really have anyone to talk to either, so that leaves me to sit in my room and talk to my mom and cry. which also sucks cause i really wish that i could get her advice on what to do about pretty much everything. but...that wont happen. so i just cry some more and get even more upset. i dont like doing that. just everythings kinda blurry maybe?! i dunno..it just...nothing seems right i guess. no-i dont even know if thats right. just...everything is just really bad right now. this is what my days like-get up at 6, look in the mirror and think about how ugly i am, get ready for school, go to school, stand around for 25 minutes doing nothing and feeling like an idiot, and being all by myself thinking about negative thigns that i really dont need or want to think about, but its inevitable because thats just the way things are, then victor gets there...and i try and talk to him, only he leaves me, so i get sad because he was like, my best friend, but we dont have lunch together this year, so i hardly ever see him, and when i do, he leaves me...and that makes me sad and so that starts my day off bad and i get upset and then the rest of my day pretty much stays that way...anyways..then i go to algebra and think some more about the negative things...and then i get even more upset, then i go to history and try hard to pay attention, but it just doesnt work. then i go to venner and sing-and i realize how bad i suck and it makes me sad cause i actually used to think i was good, but now i just suck and so that really sucks. then i go to band and attempt to do colorguard, and im actually pretty ok at that-whatever, then i go to lunch and i dont know what i do...but i dont like it-id rather be sitting somewhere by myself. then i go to chemisty which i realy dont like cause yea...i just dont and that doesnt make me happy. then i go to english and thats my favorite class and it doesnt really get me in a better mood but i like to pretend it does. then i go to cross country which usually id look forward to, but now i just dread it because im slow this year, and i suck. just one more thing that i suck at...and so that just makes everything lovely. and thats my wonderful day...how fun....and now i sit here, and continue to think about the negative things, which i really shouldn't...but i mean, that whole thing, it was just so wow...kinda like a dream, and i was doing good with forgetting about it, then victor had to say something...and then it just all went downhill and then the email...and just-its bad, and i realy dont like it...but...that really doesn't matter now does it? mmmm...prolly not. so im listening to sad music now, and i need to stop, so maybe illjust go do my homework like i should............
this really sucks!
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