| Current mood: |  thoughtful |
| Current music: | Cemetery Gates - Pantera, Black Black Heart - David Usher |
Crushed Dreams
It sucks when you get a dream that seems so real. You wake up, terrified, you feel as though your life is over or it's going to be. I wanted to wake up from the dream while being in it, but it seemed that no matter what I was doing it wasn't going to happen. What do you do when you're forced to sit there and have the people you thought to be the closest thing to you tell you that the person you wish to be with for the rest of your life is the shit of all shits and throws all insults known to man in your face about him? It felt so real to me, it tore me apart inside. It happened in reality in high school, most of my friends in one way or another took me aside and told me that they thought I was fucking up my life by being with him. I thought I had gone passed that, I thought that everything was going to be alright. I guess I was wrong.. well, according to the dream, that is. Thankfully, it wasn't real, right?
I took out my poetry/story folder today. Wow.. Did the memories come flooding back into my brain. It's odd because the first person who supported me straight-through from beginning to end was my mother. She was speechless when she read one of my first poems and even more so when she read some of later ones. I've matured from start to finish (so far) through my work. The beginning pieces were childish, puppy-love and such and the end? Hmmm.. I haven't written much since mom died, to be honest. I've written perhaps less than 10 and well, it's some of the darkest pieces of work that I've ever written in my life, the most heart-felt, the most morbid too. It seems that I lost my inspiration after she died. I believe the last story I wrote too was "The Life of Dawn Jones", how odd that one was. I suppose I believe that the events that have been happening to me lately are worth writing. I can only seem to remember few dreams and the ones that I do remember aren't worth transforming into stories. So I'm fucked, aren't I?
So I wait.. patiently wait for January 24th to come around and see what dammage I'll be in. I can't say that for sure I'll be perfectly fine or that I'll be maniacally sick either. Mom made a big part of my world. She was a best friend to me, not just a mother. We could talk about a lot of things and no matter what we thought of each other.. I never said I hated her. I always loved mom, always have. I don't think I can find someone like her...
I have plenty of things on my mind right now but I seem to be having the trouble to write them out for some reason. I suppose I haven't had the right opportunity to express them yet. They're beginnig to get to me too. People are beginning to notice that I have something on the brain and are beginning to question. Well, sorry folks but I can't tell you what's wrong or what's on the brain if I can't put it into words properly.
I can honestly say this Christmas and New Year's weren't the greatest that I've had. Barely saw anyone for Christmas: Dep came down - saw dad, Solanage, Natasha and Marc - Angel got me another guinea pig; Java and Basic now - I received a coat from Natasha as a "secret santa" along with earrings - Dep bought me a keychain with my name engraved on it and then the movie "Stealth" as a gift for Angel and I - today Eve brought me a box of Lindor chocolates - Christmas' Eve, Angel and I went out to supper over at Boraxius' house -I went out to see Flightplan with Dep. So yeah not really that much happened but I suppose there was some to keep me busy. For New Year's Eve: Angel got entirely sloshed - Priest and Eve came over - Dep was already here - we sat around and spoke alot - some arguments broke out - Angel ended up passing out at 11:30pm, I was disappointed with that but what are you going to do, right? The man wanted to sleep, let him sleep... I guess. So I guess the first few hours of the New Year sucked ass. Meh.. Whatever, not much I can do.
Hopefully I get to see dad tomorrow. I've really been enjoying his visits since I moved here. He's been helping me so much that I'm speechless. His reasoning is that I'm a university student therefore it only makes sense for him to help me out when he can. I love him so much! Thanks dad! Apparently, Angel might go to Timmins when dad goes back. Treble's bosses want to talk with Angel about having him work at Krazy Krazy. I don't know exactly when he'll be coming back or if he'll take the job with them. At this point, I suppose him working anywhere is good enough. Well.. nothing much for me to do but to wait and go back to school.
Heh... Been on vacation since December 9th. It's been an alright vacation. I relaxed abit, went out and had fun but a part of me really wants to get back into a normal routine. Heh.. As odd as it sounds.
Tomorrow, Jewels and her honey are suppose to come over. I finally get to meet this "Oh so precious" guy that she's dating. I've heard a lot about him, seen pictures but never met the fellow. It shall be interesting for sure.
I suppose that's enough of my brain exploding... Let's clean the mess.
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