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Ever have something in your mind, sitting at the back of your brain and you can't get it out? The image will haunt you for the rest of your life, when you close your eyes, you'll see it, when you look at certain people, you'll think about it, when you hearing certain songs, you'll remember it or when you taste certain foods, it'll coem back and hit you in the face. You seem to be alright, it doesn't hurt, you can talk about it without showing much emotion.. but it's a lie. You feel outcasted, alone, exiled for it but it was out of your control and it still is. You try to form rational solutions around it but they all fail. Most of people who vowed to be near you forever after the turn of events, have left you but you don't seem to fully care because they never understood, nobody will. It seems as though they expect you to forget about it, like it never happened. It seems that when you think about one thing for a lengthly period of time, other things fall hit you in the back of the head. It's that memory, the disgusting, shriveled one that keeps playing in my mind. I close my eyes and I see those blank white eyes looking into my own chesnut ones. The skin barely holding onto the body and being cold, oh so cold. As if I was touching an ice cube covered in flesh. The pulse of morphene coursing through the corpse that laid infront of me as if it was her blood. The tears, so many tears ran to the floor that day, and often times it does now. I let someone go, someone I loved so dearly and they'll never come back to me, ever. I know that, it's not that I'm searching for. I believe, to this day, I still search for someone to understand, someone to tell me that the emotions that I feel are the right ones, to tell me that the thoughts that I have aren't evil like I do for others. I'd love to be able to hear her voice, smell her sent, taste her cooking, see her getting ready for work in the morning or coming home with treats for us. After that day, I'm never going to be the same again. The logical mind can't comprehend why I speak these thoughts again, the poetic one will only read my words, the emotional one well.. I'm going through it, the artistic one will see my aura and probably end up drawing it, the depressed one will just ask stupid fucking questions.. but none will understand. You just don't get it.. You can't just shoot these emotions away, you can't just stop feeling like you're going to break down. You'll never get over it. It's something that everyone will come to expect but won't know how to deal with it, no matter what people tell you, no matter how many people you know have gone through it, how many books you read about it.. it doesn't help like you'd want it to. The only problem with that is, you don't realize it until it's all over that what you've done to prepare it does shit! I don't dwell on the fact of why it was her, why then, of wanting her back, I understand that those things mean nothing now. I dwell on the fact that I'm not 100% better, I still have my breakdowns, I still cry, I still mourn (in a way), it just seems to get easier but really, it doesn't get all that better. You start to envy people, searching for what they have. People will call me retarded, stubborn, pig-headed for still thinking these thoughts, but go through what I did and then get back to me, alright? Let's see how you deal with it. You won't be a happy camper, that's for sure. No matter how much you love the person or hate them, it'll hit you and hit you hard. Her birthday is today, oh how she would have been beautiful; those chestnut eyes full of life and sparks, her smile glistening like the sparkles on the water, she always knew how to dress properly for when she went out. I suppose you could say, I looked up to her. If only I knew what she thought of me... I love you, mom. Post a comment in response: |
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