| Current mood: |  blah |
just some ramblings, pay no heed
so i am feeling kinda blah today....
not totally sure why,
but allow me this free space to think aloud
and try to decide for myself
i've been so busy, in an unbusy sort of way
since quitting my full time job
i don't think i quite know what to do with myself
i couldn't possibly imagine having free time to do what i want
so i seem to be filling all of my time with thousands of things
which i guess need to be done anyway.
but all the same, i feel discouraged that this list
these things to do
the list goes on forever
and at the end of the day i never feel
quite as accomplished as i'd like to
and further more i'd like to feel a bit more secure
with where my life is taking me
am i headed down the right path?
am i going in the wrong direction?
and with chris
god i love him
more than i can handle sometimes
but i feel like i need some space
some more time to figure things out
to look around and decide
if everything is the way i want it to be
but i am so attatched to him
and he to me
that i feel it would be impossible
to sever that attatchment
even in the slightest
but we are growing and changing in so many ways
and i know that if i could just step back and reevaluate
see where we are and where we are headed
and how i fit into the scheme of things
i know i would see that everything is ok
and i would feel relieved
but in the meantime
he is too insecure
to let me go
to do my thing
and i am fantasizing
about those who are not he
and speaking in ways i should not
to those who need not hear it
but it is nice
to know the feeling is reciprocated
that i am still wanted in such a way
that i thought i could not be
and i like that
to hear that i am beautiful
and sexy
and seductive
i like to feel wanted
so what have i come to now?
i am not happy at the moment
because life does not feel settled
though i truly wish it would
because i am so tired and frustrated
and tired of the emotional rollercoaster
that i have been riding for at least
six years now
though it has settled down quite a bit
in the past few years
i prefer a nice mellow ride
where i know what is going on
and in which direction i am headed
so what i need is some positive energy
from all of you who are willing to send it
thanks
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