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Jenn (free_starr) wrote,
@ 2004-02-03 20:06:00
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    Current mood: blah

    just some ramblings, pay no heed
    so i am feeling kinda blah today....
    not totally sure why,
    but allow me this free space to think aloud
    and try to decide for myself

    i've been so busy, in an unbusy sort of way
    since quitting my full time job
    i don't think i quite know what to do with myself
    i couldn't possibly imagine having free time to do what i want
    so i seem to be filling all of my time with thousands of things
    which i guess need to be done anyway.
    but all the same, i feel discouraged that this list
    these things to do
    the list goes on forever
    and at the end of the day i never feel
    quite as accomplished as i'd like to
    and further more i'd like to feel a bit more secure
    with where my life is taking me
    am i headed down the right path?
    am i going in the wrong direction?

    and with chris
    god i love him
    more than i can handle sometimes
    but i feel like i need some space
    some more time to figure things out
    to look around and decide
    if everything is the way i want it to be
    but i am so attatched to him
    and he to me
    that i feel it would be impossible
    to sever that attatchment
    even in the slightest
    but we are growing and changing in so many ways
    and i know that if i could just step back and reevaluate
    see where we are and where we are headed
    and how i fit into the scheme of things
    i know i would see that everything is ok
    and i would feel relieved
    but in the meantime
    he is too insecure
    to let me go
    to do my thing
    and i am fantasizing
    about those who are not he
    and speaking in ways i should not
    to those who need not hear it
    but it is nice
    to know the feeling is reciprocated
    that i am still wanted in such a way
    that i thought i could not be
    and i like that
    to hear that i am beautiful
    and sexy
    and seductive
    i like to feel wanted

    so what have i come to now?
    i am not happy at the moment
    because life does not feel settled
    though i truly wish it would
    because i am so tired and frustrated
    and tired of the emotional rollercoaster
    that i have been riding for at least
    six years now
    though it has settled down quite a bit
    in the past few years
    i prefer a nice mellow ride
    where i know what is going on
    and in which direction i am headed
    so what i need is some positive energy
    from all of you who are willing to send it

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