|Current mood:|| aggravated|
|Current music:||none right now|
okay so yea...last night i ended up having a bowl of easy mac and 3 smores. damnit! no wonder i'm so fucking fat. and today i've already had a bowl of cereal and some cheesy enchilada hamburger helper....i'm so fucked up. i got a hold of jon. i don't know wether he's going to get me any adderal or not. i hope he does. he hasn't talked to me in ages. he doesn't want to. i hurt him. i hurt everybody. i didn't mean to. i don't know why things that happened happened. i'm such a fuck up. but i straightened things out and i want to be with nick and someday have a family with him. i love Nick very much. sometimes i question his feelings though. i know i shouldn't. he just acts shady, like his dad. his dad is a fucking charector! i can't stand the stupid ass hole fuck!!! he uses his family and abuses his rights. christ! just drives me fucking nuts!! i can't fucking stand him! i really hope that nick doesn't end up like him or i don't think i would be able to spend the rest of my life with him. i am so completely willing to try but if he ends up like his father i can't. i wouldn't be able to handle that shit! if we ever have children and he treats his kids like his father treats his kids...that'd be it! i won't take that kind of shit! but anyway...i need to find some adderal. i'm going to use my doc as a last resort to get it. it would seem kind of fishy to me if i went in and was all...uh yea i think i'm a.d.d. and i heard adderal works the best. can i have some? i don't think a doctor would fall for shit like that. so i'm just going to have to get it off the street. yea! i want some so badly. charity said that it works real well for losing weight. that or i'm just gonna see if i can get some speeders. that'll help too...maybe see if i can find some straight up effedra...i don't know if i spelled that right. i just gotta find something that helps lose weight fast and well...i'm just gonna keep takin the shit that i got. it's over the counter shit but it's gonna have to do for now. charity also said that meth helps really well..maybe i'll see if i can get some of that shit. i don't know. all i do know is i have to lose this weight by september or december...i don't want to be a fat ass for my wedding! i want to be able to hear ppl say shit like oh my god she's gorgeous..not oh my god she looks like an albino cow! damnit this really fucking sucks! i have to vacuum...atleast i'll be burning cals. while i do that. then i have to go to work but i have to leave early so i can go pay my cell phone bill and see if i can get another plug in. i don't know what time i should leave at. proabably leave around 4 since i have to be to work at 5. i hate my fucking job so much! i'm so pissed at managment for what they did to those two guys. fuck them!!! how fucking dare they!! shit i have 24 min. left on my laptop battery...i need to roll and see if i can find a new plug in so i can charge it cause i know i'm going to have to write more later. i need to find one of the following things..
damnit...i feel like i'm turning into the old me where i used to do pills and shit before.
Nick has said he really doesn't want me to do them cause he doesn't want to see me like that again. but he said it's my decision. he's trying real hard to be supportive of me and my habbits but he doesn't like them at all. which i understand but i need to do what i need to do to lose the weight that i want to lose. i refuse to be the fatter one of my sister. and right now i am! she used to be the fucking huge ass one. she looked like a whale on her wedding day and i was so happy that it wasn't me. but now she's lost so much weight. i have to be thinner then her. i always have and i have to be again or i'm going to kill myself. i can't be fat! i have to be perfect! i have to have something! so i can say look at me. i'm not smart but i'm fucking gorgeous!!! i want to be gorgeous. and thin and happy!! i hate the way i look right now. it disgusts me! i HATE me! and Nick wonders why i don't want to have sex as much as i used to ...although i've been wanting it a lot more lately. but still..i used to be a sex pheen!! now i just think i'm too fat! i don't want anyone to see me naked!! ewww why would i want that..but this year is the year. i'm going to get thin. tan. beautiful. i'm going to be everything that kryssy is not!!! i'm going to be better then her. then maybe nick won't look over there when ever we pass her house anymore! then i'll be better!!! fuck that!! fuck her!!! fuck my sister!! fuck everyone that is better then me right now!!! i have to be better!!! I HAVE TO BE BETTER THEN EVERYONE THAT I HATE!!!