|Current mood:|| energetic|
|Current music:||no doubt|
okay, so here i go...this is something that i needed to get that nick didn't know about so i could write whatever the hell i want to. i'm messed up and most people won't like reading this but this is not for them it's for me. hopefully this will help me. lose weight and be more level headed. i wrote in my other journal that i wanted to lose weight which i really really do! i'm 5'4 and 169 lbs!! i'm a fuckin fat ass cow!!! no one else thinks that i'm fat but i do and that's what really matters right? i'm hard core with the ana/mia community. i agree with it completely! and this is what i'm going to do. since i can do this straight from my desk top then i'm going to write down every single freakin day what i eat. since it will be embarrasing for other people to read what i have eaten and judge me based on that then i won't eat as much. it makes since to me and i will keep everything updated so every one knows how i'm doing. i can't wait until i figure out how to post pictures so i can post pictures of my thinspiration pictures!! these girls are freakin HOTT!!! i wouldn't have them any other way. :) don't get me wrong i love my Nick oh so much but this is the journal that i'm not going to keep anything back. he'll never find this so i can say whatever the hell i want. i can write about anything at all that's on my mind and i don't have to worry about saying anything that's gonna get him pissed off at me because he reads my other online journal. so i have to really restrict myself with what i say and talk about on that one. he gets upset when i talk about the ana/mia shit. he, of course, thinks that i'm perfect just the way that i am. i can write about sexual things and other people and my complete and true feelings on things. now don't get me wrong. he knows me better then anyone else in the world. oh my god i'm excited about this. i love him very much and he loves me unconditionally. but there are something in my life that go on with me that he doesn't like and doesn't agree with. they make him upset. and i completely understand this. but it makes me feel better when i write about these things. i'm trying to make myself over. i need to do this. i need to find me more and i need to find more friends or atleast hang out with the friends more. i don't really care if i know anyone who reads this at all. but i need this. i need to have something that is mine that is not nick's also. or that he can't read. because i write to vent things and i say things that i don't mean but he takes them seriously but i just get it out and then i feel better and i get on with things. but he takes these things seriously. and get mad and upset. but he doesn't understand that i just need to get these thoughts and feelings out! i need to or i'll just go crazy! this is going to be the journal where i let EVERYTHING out! my weight my weight losses and gains. my feelings towards other ppl. or my loss of feelings towards people. i love Nick very much but i need to learn to love myself or make myself the way i want in order to love myself.
as i was saying above. i'm going to be writing in here every single day. more then once most days. i'm going to write down everything that i eat any working out i do. anything i freakin want!
lowest weight: 130
highest weight; 190
current weight: 169
i need to lose a lot a lot of weight! i'm going to get down to 110 maybe lower! i don't care what it takes. i've been on and off with eating disorders since i was 13. i'm now 20 years old! i don't care what it takes to lose this weight. i don't care if i die from it. i'd rather die thin and beautiful then fat and flabby! it will be easier on days that i work because then i don't have time. i will work as much as i can so then i have something to do so i can't eat. and plus i will get money!!! YAY! that's always a good thing. i'm gonna make a list of things that i can do besides eating. should be interesting.
today so far i've eatin
a bowl of raisen bran crunch
tomato sandwich....with turkey salami.. beef summer sausage cheese light mayo and a slice of tomato with salt on it. and lettuce. i was terrible though because while i was making the sandwich i ate two other slices of summer sausage.
then i had some milk.
later a bananna and a kiwi fruit.
see...i eat way to freakin much i'm a fuckin sow!!! whatever..later when nick gets home from work i'm going to see if he wants to go swimming in the pool. plus i've been playing with Sparky like all day! that puppy takes a lot of attention and he's full of energy! wowsers!!! okay well i'll probably write more later. specially if i eat more or do some workin out!
my first goal is to get own to 130 that is a total of 39 smacker of jiggely fat that i need to lose. no guy wants to slap a girls ass and have it bounce back at him!! no guy wants to look at a dimply ass while doing it doggy style!! and i love doggy style!!! every other ana/mia girl like the quote "nothing tastes as good as thing feels" but i actually find the tattoo on angelina jolie (who is fuckin sexy as hell!!!!) " that which feeds me kills me" and the quote "an imperfect body reflects and imperfect soul" i must be PERFECT!!! i need to be perfect in some way in my life. i've done so many things wrong in my life that i need to get this right. 130----first goal.