a part of me
If there's anyone actually reading this, you should read my profile first, it gives my current situation. I don't really know what to say, or if it really matters. when i was little, I was never the popular kid, we moved around a lot because when my dad left my mom for the seventeen year old babysitter, we were pretty poor so I was always the new kid. By the time I was in grade seven, I was adaptable- I could observe people, see what type of a person they were looking for and be that person. I know it makes me sound shallow, but it was my only way to try to cover up how lonely I was feeling. By grade nine I became the trendsetter at school. I always knew the great bands and movies and shows, I always had the perfect little touches to my unifor and interesting hair styles. I wasn't really interested in guys, but I dated anyway. Grade nine is when I started dating my English teacher. we never had sex...just other stuff. Because he was a teacher and I was a student, technically I wasn't his girlfriend and he told me I should still date other teens so that no one would suspect anything-- so I did. I dated this guy from my Junior Achievements business group. the second week we were dating, he invited me to his friend's house to watch American Pie Two. He raped me. That's how I lost my virginity: in some guy's basement, with his friend pinning my arms down while he raped me, with the friend's girlfriend sitting on the other couch turning her atttentions from me to the t.v.. After him, I dated this guy that hit me. He wasn't so bad, I was kind of used to it because my dad and step mom beat me. my mom and my step dad have knocked me around on occaission but I strongly believe I always asked for it. Anyway, my dating experiences were pretty much like those until I left for university. There, I started dating my English prof. we dated for almost a month before I found out he was married. I never slept with him, but I made out with him a few more times before I stopped things. After that, I think I got really reckless. I didn't start sleeping around or anything, I would just go to dance clubs a couple nights a week and make out with guys and dance real dirty and I always dressed boderline scandalous. then, a girl from my work introduced me to this guy friend of hers. I was really drunk, so as usual, we made out. I saw him again at a bar two days later. The bar was across the street from my dorm, so I invited him back to use my phone to call a cab. He misinterpreted and wanted to have sex. I really didn't want to, given my past experience, I've never really been interested in sex or anything, but I was so far gone that at that point I figured it didn't matter because I try to make other people happy and that's what makes guys happy. So I slept with him. I was assuming it would be a one night stand, but he must have liked me. he showed up at my work that night. I must say, he looked better when I was drunk. He was over wieght, and had a receding hairline and just wasn't attractive. he asked me out and so I said yes because since when does what I want matter? We had sex a lot-- I still don't see what the big deal is, which means I've probably never had an orgasm. Then, I met his wife. She threatened to kill me. I broke up with him. By now I was living in my townhouse with my dog. he started following me to and from work and kept trying to break into my house. One night, I didn't finish working until midnight and it's an hour long walk home. when I was cutting through an apartment parking lot, he showed up and threw me against the dumpster. He pinned me on the ground and kept saying that he knew we were soul mates and that he would make me realize how much I loved him. He kissed me really hard and tried to force his tongue into my mouth so I opened it and then bit down hard. He punched me in the stomach and started unzipping his pants. he raped me. And then he followed me home. I wouldn't let him in. he smashed in one of my windows and I called the cops. I didn't tell them about the parking lot. that night I took an hour long shower and the next day, after work, my mom drove the three hours down to my townhouse and we loaded up as much stuff as possible into the pickup truck and we went back home. a week later was my sugar pill week, but I didn't get my period. I was terrified that he got me pregnant. we moved the rest of my things back home last week and I thankfully got my period this time around. I'm working at my old job again and taking the pre-requisites for the BScN program and from there I'm going to go to med school and become a doctor like I always wanted to but never thought I could. I am the perfect little happy person to everyone, but secretly, I've started cutting myself again, something I haven't done since grade eleven. I decided to take two months off of drinking to let me get my health back up and to save some money up after spending a bunch on moving home and have to buy out the lease for my townhouse which will cost $2100 -- never mind the fact that I help my family out with some of our bills, like groceries and the satellite. I only make about $800 a month so it is kind of difficult. Once I have the option of going out and drinking again I want to have a one night stand; I want to make sure that no matter what, my ex won't be the last person that I have sex with. I'd rather it be some stranger that I feel nothing for than somebody I actually think I hate and have bad thoughts towards (I don't ish anything bad on the people in my life, not one of them...except him). I hope my life will start to get better, I feel better already now that I've written some of it down. But I have to go to bed, I work at seven thirty.