blacktape (forabluegirl) wrote, @ 2003-07-19 19:24:00

i am low life scumm eh
Apparently it is ok for me to talk about calculus and English and science while i am in high school,

but it is not ok for me to have a political opinion before i’ve “have me an education”, says then man who made racial comments at dinner in the presence of the race he was commenting on.

He said that the AIDs in africa would never be cured and it was useless for the involvement of the united states. He also said that bush was doing a fine job.

i know that u shouldn’t talk politics in this family because i; “you are wrong because you don’t have a job, and you don’t know what’s like in the real world”

excuse me if i must, anyone can read, anyone can watch the news. there are a wide variety of sources in every political field saying the same thing. and i’m sorry for my self that no one in my family takes the time to understand the international events in the world.

I cannot under stand how someone, who is dying of cancer, and is being treated by chemo therapy , and who has been in and out of treatment for more than 6 years can sit there and say it’s useless to try and fight AIDs. Right now i am huffy mad, and i do not care who tells me these things, or what is wrong with them. I shouldn't have to have sympathy for someone because they have been slowly dying. It is not my fault that no one wants to hear what i have to say.

and obviously i need to go get me a college degree and work in the real world before i can understand politics. even though it is all so clean and clear.

right now it is not the world i don’t understand. it is my own family. everytime i turn around i am being told that i do not know what i am talking about. everytime i talk to someone i am harassed for what i’m wearing.

i had my unity sweatshirt on with the black and white hands holding each other. my grandpa says “you don’t understand what you’re wearing” // fuck. i don’t fucking understand him. i know he grew up in the 30s and 40s and he hates blacks. but fuck, i’m not gonna sit there and have some one that i’m supposed to love, and who’s supposed to love and accept me criticize my friends. i do not even care what he thinks until he says something straight up racist. Then my grandmother tells me “well, you are racist to your grandfather and me, and your parents” i do not understand her logic and definition of ‘racist’, but last time i checked we were all white, but who knows. i don’t.

so anyways.

margaret. i’m sorry for what i said. i didn’t mean it in an offensive way. i know what you are going through. i’m sorry.

i know you probably don’t care. and that’s fine. right now i’m living with a family who doesn’t care, i’m reading and hearing about friends who don’t care. so in turn i don’t care. i feed off the people around me. when i look for guidance and opinion i am told i won’t understand. when i give my own opinion i’m criticized. i don’t know what i’m supposed to say that doesn’t offend anyone. i guess i will take a break from being online, from being involved in people’s lifes, from caring about my family, from caring about my friends, and lastly from believing in myself.

because when i believe in myself, people stop believing in me, because i am not believing in them.

i’m sorry that i am a bitch. that is all that i am. and ignorant, faithless bitch. i am supposed to give my life to god. OF COURSE my grand father would know even though he leaves before communion every sunday. but whatever. people don’t have to believe in and act in their ‘beliefs’ before they try and sell them to someone else.

All that i’ve learned is the Christian faith in this man is fucked up. and from what i know about the bible and god, is that all creatures are accepted. hopefully he will go to heaven when he dies.. i don’t really want to talk to him. i cannot have a conversation with any member of my family without being accused of treason and falsehood.

if i am so false, why would i be going to volunteer my next two weeks and NOT get paid. why would i work my ass off at camp, why would i want to look for a peaceful stance in my community and try to lobby for a better environment in all forms of living.

i don’t understand.

i care so much. but i don’t understand.

i guess i will know when i get that fancy engineering degree, won’t i.

that is all. i’ve beaten myself with many sticks and i’m about buried.

i don’t know when i’ll write again.

also, amy if you are reading this. i am supposed to talk to you i guess. i don’t know. all i can say with out going into something so private in this public ness is that i am not mad at you..

end.

peace.

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