i think last night was the first night i felt like i "blacked out" -- meaning there are parts of the night which i just don't remember. at all. i fuzzily remember standing outside and being really pissed/incoherent and throwing statements at j (okay, not fair to him) and i remember the hurt i felt when he just said "i gotta go check on my friends" and walked off and didn't even look back.
i also remember seeing a coldness in his eyes that i didn't know/want to admit that he was capable of.
i don't think i'm evolved enough yet for something like this.