there, i said it.
my dad is a douchebag. he puts people down with no reason and is the single greatest recurring image in my nightmares, even into my adult life. when i was younger, my greatest motivation to succeed was so that i could leave the family. it instilled with me a sense of fierce independence but simultaneously, it created a need to be validated and loved while at the same time an armor defense to never let anyone affect me that much.
i always thought that leaving my childhood home would make the problem better, but over the years it has only been illuminated. like a slow-cooking casserole, it is always on the back-burner, especially as my brother still lives in the same house under unreasonably stringent conditions.
a. is right -- you can reason with a reasonable person or a person who accepts logic; but our dad is the opposite - he is unreasonable and for someone who is so set on the scientific process, lacks all logic and reason when it comes to personal relationships.
i have googled emotional abuse far more often than i'd like in an ever-diminishing hope of finding some way to break through; but you can only help those who want to be helped. to him, he feels like he is fulfilling the "greater good" -- and perhaps that is where his own resilience comes from. he is a micro-manager no matter where he goes but the only place it can manifest is within his own family.
what scares me the most is that i see traces of him within me. the impatience, the hyde/jekyll effect, the incapacity to adequately communicate, and the streak of irrationality. perhaps what saves me is a recognition of that, and the want to change it.
parents - no matter how strong-willed you think your children may be, you have an impact far beyond any you can imagine.
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