| Current mood: |  guilty |
| Current music: | "Strangers in the night",Barry Manilow |
i miss daddy
hello readers [if i even have any yet besides tiffany (and johnny if he has checked my blurty out yet)] well i cant sleep and i have no 1 to talk to at all! well tiffany called me at 10:30pm tonight (or well i mean yesterday since its now extremely early in the morning) but i didnt hear my phone ring since i was watching my 4th season DVD of "Friends" (i love that show!). well i know she is up right now...probably even reading this since she just updated her blurty like 20 min. ago. but i cant call her cuz her parents would probably flip out! but i was reading hers and this is a part she wrote in it: "this man who was like a second father to me died." that man she is talking about is my daddy... he died last year (July 24, 2002) and she always told me "ya know,ur dad is like another father for me" well i dont know wut her EXACT words were but they were sumthing like that. Tiffany... i never knew u still thought about my dad, especially now that he is dead but ya know im glad and touched! i dont wanna sound like annoyingly mushy feelings to you but i am really glad and touched that u think that. It is the strangest coincidence too! because today me and my mom went to the cemetary to visit my dad. i bought him 2dozen carnations, 1dozen red, and 1dozen white (red=love, white=rememberance, i know wut all the colors of flowers stand for) and then for the holiday season i bought him poinsedas. YES! I BOUGHT ALL THIS WITH MY MONEY! i told my mom i wanted to buy tons of stuff and i told her I would pay for it! so she said yea... and so we went......and my mom of course cried. ya know we never say anything to him wen we go to visit, we just lean on eachothers shoulders and silently cry........ we never say anything at ALL! like "we miss you daddy" or "We love u" NOTHING! ya know y?... cuz he already knows that. and the day before he died....no wait i think it was 2 days before he died....ummmm, yeeaa 2 days before he died he told us "I dont want u guys to visit my grave, i want u guys to remember me how i was not how i died or how i am now..." then the day b4 he died me and my mom were leaving the hospital and he said "wait rachael, are u coming to see me tomorrow?" and i said "yea of course y?" and he said "do u PROMISE?" and i said "YES I PROMISE!" and he told me "ok cuz i will hold u to it!" and........................omg i cant stop crying right now......................cuz i hate myself EVERY FUKING DAY OF MY DAMN FUKING LIFE BECAUSE................................................i broke that promise..................... like.... my mom and i were at the hospital the whole month of july for upto 6 hours every damn day! and sum times i would go to my best friend ambers house cuz well i couldnt...........................................fuk i cant stiop fuking crying...............................................................i couldnt stand to see my dads dying soul and that damn god damn fukin cancer suck the life out of him, with his hardly there hair and his lifeless chapped lips cuz of that fuking oxygen mask......so that day wen i promised to see him i was at ambers house and i tried calling my mom and her bitch friend doreen to pick me up but i couldnt get a hold of any body to pick me up from ambers and go to the hospital! so then by the time i got there it was 11pm and daddy was asleep and my mom wouldnt let me wake him up! so then we left and then 2am we get a phone call....yea daddy was gone, i refused to belive it at first
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