|Current mood:|| optimistic|
|Current music:||Lifehouse -"Everything"|
Blurty gets used, but it's a long one
The toll wears on me, and I'm about to break. It's not just school. It's my relationships, it's my exhaustion, it's my sin, it's my lack of direction at times. I've really messed up sometimes. Maybe not in front of anybody, but I saw it. God saw it. Okay, breaking is probably a little harsh. I'm not that depressed. Actually, I don't think I'm depressed at all. Just exhausted. And I feel like I can get no rest. So I guess that it is depressing. And then when I botch things, it's all the worse. To some it might not be a big deal. But to me, I think it is. And I feel like I can't get back on track. That I've done this one too many times. And the jig is up.
So, as I told myself many times, I'm done. No more messing up. I can be forgiven. Even if I don't feel like it. God's there, even if I don't feel like it. And I'm done. I need to put myself back on track.
Besides that, I'm tired from some of my relationships. Including friendships. Melissa really bothered me a lot lately. In church the service was on relationships that take from you, and drain you, and relationships that give. It's a balance. And through the whole service Melissa was the draining one that kept popping in my mind. I talk to her a lot on the internet. About her. Which is fine. Because I get akward when I talk about myself, at least at a deeper level, as many of you know. I enjoy giving her advice, I feel like I'm helping her. And I like helping her, and I'm pretty sure she likes the help. She keeps talking me expecting me to give her advice anyway. But it got to the point where I felt she was taking me for granted. She never seemed appreciative of my help. Even on something as trivial as English. I helped her edit her English paper. And since I was having a good day, I felt like I was gonna put all the Melissa crap behind me and just accept her for what she has and work to make a better friendship. Then she only sorta edited my paper. And when I truthfully, sincerely, and not in a mean way at all, tried to help her paper. Gave her exactly what she asked for, about the exact parts she asked. All she did was say I made her feel bad or stupid. She even told Thomas that on the internet when she got back. I got no appreciation. Okay fine. But that's not it. She wanted to go swing dancing the past Friday. Fine, except I didnt' want to go, but this is beside the point. She calls and asks if I want to go. She then proceeds to tell me how I'm gonna dance with this person, who is really beautiful, and if we like each other, then she'll hook us up. "Because, well, you don't like anybody Larry anyway." Which of course she knew wasn't true. And so she said, "well you do, but still." Didn't give a flying frick for what I felt. I opened up to her once about who I liked. I figured, well, she's bore her soul to me a few times, and she was asking, and so I had told her. I told her not to tell. Which she did. And you know, I never got any support, any advice, anything whatsoever, because of her preconcieved notions. Even if she doesn't think it'll work, which is fine, because I don't think it'll work, she could at least realize that I too am a human being and have feelings. And at least respect that as my so called friend. I got none of that. Plus how she's constantly a jerk, and so therefore I was a jerk too. It got to a point I couldn't take it anymore. I was ever just gonna give up trying on a friendship, and probably really piss her off in the process, because I would've blown up, or I could try and give her a call, and talk about it like rationally people don't do. And I've lost friendships in the past for no good reason, and I don't want it to happen again. So I called her. (This was after arguing with her about not talking on the internet, because I felt it needed to be talked about, not done on the internet. Of course, she wanted to do English. Which is fine, because I asked if there was a time I could call her when she wouldn't be busy. She said now, but still wanted me to talk to her about it on the internet. Finally I got her on the phone). And I told her that I was tired of the pissing contest, both being jerks to each other. Her first response was, "I'm not" and I almost hung up the phone right there. But I kept talking about it, and I told her what I felt, rationally, calmly, and we talked for a bit. She did apologize, as did I. And we both agreed to work on it more. Which we are doing. So basically, the point of that is that, things are better, and hopefully I saved a friendship.
I realize that a lot of that came off as self-centered, and jerk-like. And some of it probably is. But at the same time, sometimes I want some care from my "friends". I do have a lot of friends who care, and I love them all a lot. I don't just say that. I'm not unappreciative, this was just one that was draining me and I needed that to change a bit.
I need to get some stuff straigtened. I shouldn't fall into "if-then" thinking, but I feel that if I can straighten stuff out a bit, make sure my priorities are in the right place, and stay strong through this last few weeks, things will improve. Sorry if I've ever been a jerk or anything lately, to anybody that reads this. Let me know how I can help you, or pray for any of you. My phone is still on the hook, don't be afraid to call. I try my best to listen. Or give me a shout out on IM. Or email. Or note. Or comment. Whatever. And for those of you so inclined, pray for me too, if you would. Thanks. Have a great week guys. You're all awesome. And Tyler, you're story rocked. hard.