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Kurt (fantomahawk19) wrote,
@ 2003-10-17 23:49:00
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    Current mood: okay
    Current music:Primus - Fish On

    This will probably be my most emotional and heartfelt post EVER, so read it carefully if you actually care...
    Hm.....I've got tons on my mind right now...Way too much to go into, but i'll try my best to explain it with some fantastic song lyrics that will explain it for me.
    Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person,
    and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
    So much it's like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
    It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
    and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
    You let this one person come down on the most perfect moment.
    And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I'll never have..
    I'll never have.. I'll never...
    Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in..
    standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
    But this table for one has become bearable.
    I now take comfort in this, and for this, I cherish you.

    Alright, now that you've read that, i'll explain...
    There's this girl I went out with months ago, it doesnt matter who she is, or what her name is, but yea. We eventually broke up, but still, to this day, whenever I'm around her in school, or any public gathering, I feel sick, and just want to leave. Even though this was seriously like 6 or 7 months ago, I still get these feelings. Now, its not really a feeling of "I still love her and want her", its like a "shit, I was so god damn happy back then, I'd give anything just to feel that again." I cant even explain it real well, just read those song lyrics, and thats almost what its like. So, yea....Basically, I have no idea what I want anymore. All I know is all I really want as of now, is to have a good relationship with a girl I really like...You know, one of those awesome ones where you can like cuddle with the person whenever we want, whether its inside watching a movie, or outside in the cold. Thats just one thing I've always been jealous of, and want to have. But of course, me being the most picky person in the world, the right girl only seems to come around once or twice a year. And going back, what hurt the most with this "ex-girlfriend", is that when we did that cuddling stuff, to me it felt meaningful, and serious. But obviously to her it must not have been, or it may have been, I still have no idea. I'm just now looking for a good relationship. It doesnt have to be an "I love you, I'll call you every 10 minutes one", just one thats got enough, without over-doing it. So.....there is actually one person I do like..she's extremely cool, and I guess I can only hope for the best, if anything does happen. But, after discussing this stuff with her, and my feelings too, its best to just "give it some more time." Bye.

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